Tristan William Tate

Born @ 3:07 pm on 11/26/2009 (Thanksgiving Day),

9 lbs 15 ozs, 20" long

(pic couresty of Steph @ ABellaV Photography)

I am ready for something new. I get tired of being stuck at home day after day with two kids that rarely listen to a word I say and band together to fight the forces of evil....which would be me. I am getting to the point where all I do is start crying when I even think of how I am going to fit a baby into this chaos. I really don't know how I'm going to do it. I'm sure things will be fine once he gets here but in the meantime, the stress of it all is really getting to me. A lot of days, I feel like Jeff and Kate are just passing through and have better things to do. Maybe I'm just hormonal, maybe things have been building up for awhile, maybe I just need a break. Whatever. Just like everything else, I'll find a way to deal with it all and move along, even if it's a little slower than I'd like.

Bedrest with 2 kids to take care of? Yeah right. My doctor put me on 6 weeks of strict bedrest. I have been cramping like CRAZY and have had contractions off and on daily. I've been through this before, I know to lay down for an hour, drink an insane amount of liquid and empty my bladder as often as possible. So, I hadn't really been concerned about it all but when my doctor checked me out, I am already in the dialation/softening phase. So....here we go again. I was given a week to try to simplify things around here so I wouldn't have much to do. Suggestions were to buy frozen meals or make some and freeze them for quick dinners, split laundry up so that the loads become smaller and actually less work, make the kids do more for themselves, etc. etc. This isn't going to work. I can tell you that already. It's not like I do a ton of stuff around here but there are days when the boys don't let me sit down for very long. It's always something. And somehow they know when things are bad for me because that's when all hell breaks loose and my stress level skyrockets. So, bedrest? Yeah, if it happens it happens. If not, well, I'm not perfect, right?

I wish people would stop throwing bread crumbs at me. I may waddle like a duck but I don't eat like one.

I woke up this morning wondering if the Opera needs anyone to close out their act.

It's amazing what time does. I'm tired. I hurt. I think I'm completely crazy for carrying this baby inside of me. I am currently 24 weeks along and feel like I've hit my 9th month. Not just on the uncomfortable level but this baby feels big. He is sprawled out from hip to hip and cradles himself at the base of my tummy. I imagine it's completely comfy down there because he doesn't change positions much. He does like to kick and punch though. Especially when it's time for me to go to bed. As soon as I lay down, he's up and moving around. Sometimes I think I've just upset his comfy spot and he now needs to find a new one and other times it feels like he's just letting me know that he's up, getting his exercise, practicing for his life on the outside. Regardless of his position or movements, I love the feeling of him bouncing around. It never ceases to amaze me that I have once again been given the incredible gift of carrying a child. It's an amazing feeling having a little life growing inside of you. I feel bad for complaining. I try not to but I'm tired. It's certainly one one situation where I have to admit that I am getting older. My body is different than it was two years ago. (sigh)

It's been a long time since I've updated my blog so I thought I would take a moment and do so. It seems that a lot has happened since my last post. The day after Easter, we found out that we are expecting our 4th child. It took me at least a month before I could finally comes to terms with it. I love our children and another one is such an incredible blessing but the timing just seems so wrong. My issues, financial issues, etc. I certainly couldn't imagine bringing a baby into the mix. But God has a plan and I have to remind myself that his plans never fail, just trust that everything will work out according to his plan and only in his time. So, currently I am 22 weeks along and loving every kick and punch that this LITTLE BOY is throwing at me. Now, if we could only figure out what his name will be, everything will be complete. We are looking forward to his arrival sometime at the end of November/early December.

By the way, after I found out that we're expecting, I stopped taking my anti-depressants. Worst withdrawals EVER!! Between the withdrawal effects and the early pg symptoms, life sucked for at least 2 weeks. And since time has past, I look back at my previous posts and wonder what the heck I was thinking. I may be hormonal now and then but nothing like I was at the beginning on the year. I read those post and wonder how I was so far gone, why I didn't do more to pull myself back up, thank God that I didn't give up and most importantly am incredibly thankful that nobody gave up on me. I often wonder if God has given us this little blessing as a way of saying, 'Look, I'm still in charge and you still have a job to do.'

Kaitlyn will start school soon and it's a little hard for me to realize that she will be a sophomore. When did my little girl grow up? She turned 15 last month and we are now discussing driving, proms, dating, etc. You always know these days will come but when they arrive you are never really prepared. She's still my little girl and it's sometimes so hard to imagine her being more and more independent. Still, I tend to allow her to go further and further away from the nest, praying that she will hold her own and use what we have taught her to bring her back safely.

Stephen and Brenden are the best of friends and my biggest challenges. They tend to gang up on me for the sport of it. I wish Brenden would finally figure out that it is okay to sleep all night and that he doesn't need to drink out of a bottle anymore. He's two years old for crying out loud. lol. I remember thinking the same thing when Stephen was his age. I'm sure things will change soon, having faith anyway. Stephen has become argumentative and doesn't know that there is a time to just stop. He is still a big ball of energy and is sometimes hard to keep up with.

Jeff still does everything he can to keep us all going. I can't imagine how life would be without him. After all the heartache I'm sure I've put him through, he still comes home every day and gives me the support I need. Without him, I would have gave up a long time ago. I will always say that he deserves more than he gets. Although there are times that it seems we are heading in different directions or just pass each other in the hall, there is never a time that I don't want to just escape with him to some far off place and just be together. I know how lucky I am to have him.

Okay, enough rambling for now. I have to get the boys ready for bed. I hope to be able to update a little more often. I feel like I've found my writing spark again and would love to take a moment out of each day to see what I can come up with. Until then, peace and happiness to those who read this. :)

Took a walk today....alone. It was kind of nice just to go along at my own pace. Getting thoughts out of my head and stopping to look at random things, like the little crocodile sticking out from under the stone archway by the creek. lol. (picture to follow later) Although now my ears are feeling the effects from the cold wind, but this too shall pass. I did a lot of thinking, came to no real conculsions about anything and when all was said and done, didn't really feel much different than when I left. But it was nice to get out.

By the way....cancelled my therapist appt. for today.

Well, I guess that when you are mentally unstable, you no longer have the right or ability to choose not to see your therapist anymore.

I called to see if I could get my medication changed. The earliest appt. I could get was April 20th, even after stating that I was having major issues. And that appt. was no with my regular doctor. Jeff took matters into his own hands and called back. This time he was sent to the emergency psychiatric advice nurse who talk about God knows what with him. I was asked to speak with him, so I did. The end of our conversation ended in him (the person on the phone) 'suggesting' that I be admitted into the hospital for a brief stay to help with some of my problems. I declined. Then follows a 'suggestion' for an intense out-patient treatment that is three-five days a week and lasts for 3 weeks. Declined. Final option, I need to return to see my therapist this Weds. ~sigh~ I chose option #3. Not looking forward to it or even see the point but I agree to it. And I have to go to see a psychiatrist next week. Oh joy!

Maybe I'm in more denial than I think. Maybe things really are worse I am admitting to myself. Does that make me a bad person? I already feel extremely frustrated that I am putting everyone through this crap, that I mope around like a spoiled child who doesn't get their way, that nothing I use to love to do excites me anymore, I push people away and want to be left alone. I feel useless and hopeless and like I'm letting everyone down. I still put on my happy face and do my little song and dance from time to time but inside it's different. I feel torn and broken. And I don't know if that can ever be fixed.

Today was good. Went to visit my Sister and her kids. Always great to hang out with them. And bonus....got to meet, Jeff, her new love. It's amazing to see her face light up when she talks about him and even more so when they are together. I am incredibly happy for her. I always say that everything happens for a reason. I think that her move back to Oregon was to meet him. I can't wait to see what their future holds but I am positive that there will be a lot of love and laughter. My sweet Sister is such an inspiration to me and always, always makes everything okay. If there is ever anyone I know I can turn to, without judgement it's her.

So, Steph, if you read this know that I love you and thank you for all the moments you've been a part of my life. For always making me feel important and reminding me of how great things can be. I am amazed by your drive to do what you love and your fight to over come all of the obstacles in your life. You inspire me to be a better person. My world would certainly be a darker place without you in it.

I have so many things to say and can't. Why? Because you won't listen, won't understand, won't comprehend. I hurt deep inside and it eats away at my soul one day at a time. Things that you can fix but wouldn't. Because I don't think you want to, don't want to hear it, don't want to feel it, don't want to believe it. Can't imagine that any of this can be because of you, the things you say, the things you do. The things that hurt the deepest can never be fixed. The world would change, into something unreal, not knowing where to turn, or exactly how to feel. So, I keep it locked inside, and let it eat away. After all, it's all my fault really, I create the monsters and demons that haunt my dreams. I avoid the realities of life for different reasons. I'm more scared of what may happen to others than what will happen to me. The emotions that I put them through, I don't want them to feel the way I do. And there are no words to describe how I really feel inside. But do you really care? Keep looking the other way.....someday you'll decide to turn around but I won't be here anymore.

Another day to try again. Still a little upset but trying not to think about it so I can try to have a good day. I spend almost the whole day in my room on the computer. Reading about current events, chiming in on topics in my mommy group and depression support group, playing strange little video games and searching for things for Kate to do while on Spring break, among other random things. I sit at my laptop while Kate sits at the desktop. We have conversations that are both serious and funny. The boys run in and out, playing from room to room. After yesterday I really don't feel like doing anything of importance. I don't want to set my self up for complete disappointment again.

Bad day.....bad, bad day. Another day that ends with me wondering what the hell I'm doing here. Picturing myself walking out and doing the 'unthinkable' and being okay with it. I'm not going crazy because I'm home all the time, not bored with life, etc. Just so incredibly frustrated and nothing I do ever seems right, to matter or even cared about, so what's the point of even trying anymore. I feel like when I talk people just stare, like I speak a foreign language or I'm a stranger with no valued opinion. This pushes me into the 'I don't care' mode, which I can't stand.

Just a quick note:

Comments are now accepted. Feel free to let me know what you think, it's okay, I can take it. ;)

Slowing Down To Realize The World Around Me

While taking Kaitlyn and Hailey to tonight's concert, I discovered that I was going to have to park at least 4 blocks away. I dropped the girls off and went to park the car. I briskly walked back to the Theatre and escorted the girls inside. I am not staying for tonight's show, simply because I was only on the guest list for two tickets. I think Kate will have more fun with a friend than just with me. So, I walk in, show my ID so they can get in, get a little surprise from the band (a free copy of their CD) and leave. My walk back to the car is a much slower pace. I walk down the same streets that brought me to the theatre. This time noticing little things. The older homes with neatly manicured lawns. Others that look like they have seen better days. The streets are lined with trees, little pink and white flower pedals cover the sidewalks. The sweet scent of cherry blossoms fill the air and it seems much quieter than it did a couple of minutes ago when I was hurried along. A couple walk by, all dressed in winter coats, her head leans against his shoulder and their arms are interlocked. A woman leaves her garage, puts her headphones on, jumps onto her bike and starts to sing as she rides down the road. And finally as I approach my car, I see a much older couple leaving for an apparent night out. Very nicely dressed and in good spirits. He says something as he opens the car door for her, she giggles and her face just lights up. He grins as if he knows 'he's still got it'.

It's amazing what we miss in life because we are always in such a hurry or we just don't bother to really look. When I reached my car I wished it were even further away so I could continue my walk. There must have been even more wonderful things to see.

“It is important from time to time to slow down, to go away by yourself, and simply be.” ~Eileen Caddy

“Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going to fast - you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.”
Eddie Cantor

Today is kind of a busy day for me. Therapy appt. in the morning, concert at night. May not seem that big to most people for me, it will be. The appt. I can handle. It's two blocks away and if it weren't raining, I would enjoy walking there. I shall drive.

Back from therapy and all seems well. Much different than last time. Quiet weird actually. I decided that I no longer want to go because I just don't think I can sit in a room and answer the "how does that make you feel?" question over and over again. It's agreed that the blog is acceptable as long as I agree to remain honest. I'll admit that the feedback has been great and since I am not one to openly talk about how I feel and why, it's been such a release to use the blog to get it all out. And though not all blogs are published, I've still released those thoughts and I feel like the load is getting lighter.

Concert time. It's an all acoustic set featuring Evan Taubenfeld, This Providence and The Academy Is. I'm a little nervous because I know there will be at least 200 people there. It's at The Hawthorn Theatre, so it's a very familiar setting for me. There is a small bar that is upstairs and overlooks the stage/floor. There is hardly ever anyone up there. I figure I can sit up there while Kaitlyn and her friend enjoy the show stage side. The drive is fine. No issues. Waiting in line, no problem. I work the crowd, handing out my promotional materials: band postcards and stickers. I even take pictures of the fans holding up their newly acquired goodies to send back to the record label and bands. Concert starts, I decide to stay on the floor, toward the back. Show is amazing. Evan is an upcoming artist who is funny, funny, funny and amazingly talented. (listen for him on your radio soon~first single-Boy Meets Girl) This Providence was a little awkward but rather good all the same. The Academy Is was just William Beckett himself. Amazing. This guy certainly can sing and in my opinion should really do more acoustic sets. Not to mention, he is just adorable.

Anyway, a successful day. I am bouncy and talkative and ready for more days like today!

Not a great day, don't feel like blogging. I will say this though: When giving a patient medication, you should really be specific on how the meds should be taken. I've been taking my meds wrong for 4 weeks and am expected to just up and change routines. So, I do, get incredibly sick and find out that I possibly overdosed myself because I followed directions. WTH??? See, this is why I hate taking pills.

We spent the morning watching new guests in our backyard. We were visited by 2 Stellar Jays that were hunting for worms. Such brightly colored birds that had a very successful hunt. Stephen loved to watch how fast they were as they pulled each worm out of the ground. Then quickly got disgusted when he watched them eat. (lol) He also loved their black pointy heads and described them as wearing blue jackets and black pokey hats. Ah, the imagination of a three year old.

Then Brenden and Stephen both hopped around the living room pretending to be Stellar Jays pulling worms out of the ground. Stephen couldn't help but hold his hand over his mouth after pretending to swallow his worms. There was just no convincing that it was just bird's spaghetti. Oh well. It's nice to see the boys use their imaginations and discover different things. And Stephen has been so interested in animals lately. He seems to tell me a different fact about a new animal each day. Yesterday it was all about monkeys. How monkeys eat fruit, nuts and bugs. (Again covering his mouth. lol) And that they make big messes when they look for their food. And even before our feathered friends entered our yard, he was schooling me on the facts about crocodiles. Did you know that a crocodile can kill a shark? A fact that I learned from my little animal expert. I will admit, I had to google it and it's true, Crocs have been known to kill sharks. Crazy, huh? I wonder what else we will learn today.......

Happy St. Patrick's Day......More importantly, it's my Mom's Birthday. :) Happy 59th Birthday, Mom. <3

I am discovering that each day really is different for me. One day I can be fine and the next I feel like I've taken four steps backwards. Today has been a normal, old self kinda day. I woke up early, thanks to Brenden. Got some lingering stuff done. Typical daily stuff, make beds, feed and dress the boys, etc. etc. Then we took a trip to Target to buy diapers. No issues what so ever. On out way to the car, I even decided that we should go next door and visit the pet store. So, Jeff and I took the boys in and looked at the different pets they had on display. Parrots, guinea pig, rat, mice, fish, snakes and of course, parakeets and finches. Oh and I must not forget the very cool, orange canaries. The boys were excited to see the different pets on display and it was fun watching them. Can't wait to take them back to the zoo. After dinner, I ventured back to the store, this time with Kaitlyn. We strolled around for about an hour before returning home. Again, no problems at all. It was great!! I really wanted to just go from place to place. I feel like I've locked myself up for so long, I've missed all kinds of things. Hopefully tomorrow I will still be ready to take adventures away from the house. But like I said, every day seems to be different. Overall, the entire day was great. I stayed in a great mood all day. Found myself laughing, having fun and completely free of any panic attacks, crying spurts, and having only one quick anger issue but quickly resolved it. Looking forward to more days like this.

I developed a major headache on Sat. and have been in bed since. I slept almost all day yesterday and still woke up this morning with the same headache. This is not a new thing for me. I have had these headaches for years now. They come on fast and stay for at least three days and up to a week. There is no medication that I have found that relieves the pain and there is no common trigger for them. The pain is intense, located in the middle of my forehead just above my right eye and at the base of my skull on the same side. The pain does not wrap around my head but goes straight through from one point to the next.

Despite my pain, I have had a successful day. Again, little success' that I'm celebrating but it helps me focus and allows me to look back and know that I can continue to get better. Today I woke up and the sink was full of dishes. No big deal. I have to admit, when I shrugged my shoulders and started to walk away, I paused and ask myself if I was really going to just walk away. Yep, I did. Not upset, no frustration, just walked away. :) Next, Kaitlyn missed the bus. I woke up Stephen, got both boys dressed, got in the car and drove her to school. Didn't even think twice about it. I left the house and returned without having any type of panic attack at all. I finally felt normal. Now granted, I didn't have to leave the car and interact with the public, but I still went away from the house. Last Weds. I had a major meltdown before I even left the house, knowing I had to drive Kaitlyn and her friends downtown.

So, today I'm smiling, headache and all. The sun is shining through the rain and all is well.

ETA: On a different note, Brenden has gone 'potty' in the toilet three times this weekend. He told us her had to go, we put him on and he went. So, we may be on our way to potty training. Yay, Brenden!! Now, if we can just get him to talk. lol.

Happy Saturday.....Blah.

I just lost steam today. I woke up ready to go. Got a load of laundry folded and one washed and put into the dryer. Made the beds, took care of Brenden, etc, etc. I even refolded and arranged every sheet, blanket and towel in the linen closet. But once I closed the closet door, everything just stopped. I stopped wanting to do anything at all, suddenly feeling like I should just close the curtains, turn the fan on and crawl back into bed. Not because I'm tired, although I could probably use the sleep, but because I just don't want to do anything else. I feel blah, emotionless, don't bug me because I don't really care, blah.

Quick blog for the day.

Not the best night of sleep. Had a small but noticable 'attack' this morning, again centered around the kitchen. Yes, this time I went into extreme cleaning mode. And although I felt much better afterward, I wondered why one cup in the sink triggered such an action. Then laughed that maybe I am in fact turning into Mommy Dearest. After all these years of joking, "We do not use wire hangers!" I find myself thinking, "We have a dishwasher, put your stuff in it!" I can laugh now but two hours ago I was almost in tears. Over one cup. Sigh.

Couldn't bring myself to go grocery shopping with Jeff today. Didn't use the boys as an excuse this time, nor do I feel I have to anymore. He simply ask if I felt up to it. And after consideration, I declined. I did take out the trash yesterday. Even with my heart racing and this weird feeling that the pavement seemed to stretch further with every step I took. I decided to focus on the ground rather than the distance. But I did it. Seems odd to celebrate such a feat but I am. Yeah me!

So, I really think the medication is starting to work. Thoughts of ending my life are gone. Even when my day is dark and full of tears, I now just wonder why this is happening rather than why am I here. I'm focused more on what my next step will be to get through this. Trying to figure out why I am so scared to leave the house and what it will take to get over it. So, progressive and positive thoughts, celebrate little moments and quickly move past the set backs. That is what I'm aiming for today.

Hope is putting faith to work when doubting would be easier. ~Author Unknown

Last night I didn't sleep. Certainly not my choice but that's how life goes sometimes. The boys had a rough night and I get to take the toll.

Stephen woke up first. Nightmare. I manage to get him back to sleep just in time for Brenden to wake up. Needs diaper change. A quick change, a kiss and a little encouragement, he's back to sleep. An hour an a half later, Stephen wakes. He has to pee. I take him and he request to sleep in our bed because he's just 'scared of his dream'. Knowing that he will go back to sleep much quicker, I agree to it. He climbs into bed with Jeff and just as I lay down Brenden wakes up.

Sigh, it's 3 am. This time he's coughing and asking for a drink. Off to the kitchen I go. This time, Brenden wants me to sleep with him. Not an unusual request from him in the middle of the night. I lay down hoping that this will coax him to sleep quickly. Not a chance. He tosses and turns and says 'mama' over and over. He can't get back to sleep. At 5:30 I finally get him a bottle and tell him to go to sleep without me.

I return to bed to discover my spot has been taken by Stephen and the dog. No room to push either one over. Back to the boys room. No way I'm climbing back in bed with Brenden, he'll drive me crazy. So, to the top bunk I go. That's right, I slept in Stephen's bed...the top of the bunk beds. When Jeff awoke an hour later and discovered I wasn't in either our bed or Brenden's bed, he wondered where I had gone. And of course, woke me up to ask why I was there. Sigh.

Here's the best part! After I climbed down, I peeked on the bottom bunk to check on Brenden. He was sleeping, quite well actually. I noticed what looked like a white baby blanket crumpled up at his feet but didn't know what it was. Until I picked it up. It was Brenden's diaper. That's right. He had completely stripped and was sleeping naked. And proud of it. As I put another diaper on him, he protested but decided he was just too tired to fight it. What a way to start my day, from grumpiness to laughter. I decided to stay awake and enjoy my quiet time and cup of coffee.

So, I was deep in thought today. I know, crazy, right? lol. And I remembered that when I lived in Sacramento, my parents gave me a little gift to lift my spirits. I seemed to be going through a 'down phase' and they wanted to remind me that there are so many things to be happy about. So, the gift was a book. The title, "10,000 Things To Be Happy About". No stories, no pictures just a fat book which was really just a list of things that made the author smile. So, here is my list for the day:

Sunny Weather
Childrens laughter
My Sister's sense of humor
Music
Hot showers
quiet time
birds singing
long walks
My family's support
photographs
coloring books and bright crayons
baking cookies
going to the zoo
picnics in the park
coconut cream pie
a day at the beach
little cafes
quiet weekends away
stolen kisses
butterflies
spring flowers emerging in the brisk air
snow falling
shooting stars
long drives to no planned destination
rainbows
waterfalls
calm lakes
kittens
museums

and of course, the list goes on and on but that's for another day. :)

Today has been incredibly difficult. It didn't start out that way. I actually had a pretty good weekend and after the semi-successful trip to and from my parents house, I decided to attempt a trip to the grocery store with Jeff and the boys. We were only going for a few things so I knew we would only be away from the house for a short period of time. So, here I go....pushing myself to do what I have become scared to do.

The trip in the store goes rather well. I stay focused on Stephen since he is a chatter box and wanting to help get the things we need. We stay in conversation about different products that we see. This is helping. It draws my attention away from the other shoppers and I don't feel closed in at all. I'm pretty proud of myself and feeling rather normal. Until we reach the check stand. I started to panic when someone walked up behind us and started to unload their groceries onto the belt. This put me in the middle and I suddenly felt very confined and closed in.
I made it to the parking lot and into the car without any visable sign of losing control. Once we pull out of our parking space, I break down. Uncontrollable tears. All I can do is cover my face and cry. Wanting to be back at home, out of sight, left alone.

And the rest of the day has been filled with moments of complete saddness. Why do I feel this way? What happened to me? Life is not suppose to be like this. I don't know what to do. These tears can never show how I feel. Like a failure, a disappointment, really just worthless. I know it's too early for the medication to work. It's not a miracle pill. And I know that it has been working because last week was good. My bad days are not every day. But today.....today is one of those days that I really have to fight to hold on. And there's so much of me that just doesn't want to hold on any more. But still, I look at the clock and tell myself that there is only so many hours left. I can do this. Make it through one more day and tomorrow can be different. I have to believe that it will be.

Picture this. A slot machine. You pull the handle and the reels spin. If you are lucky all the tiles match up and you win a prize. But 9 times out of ten the tiles are mixed matched and you get to try again. Now there are those machines that have some sort of crazy trick to them that if you land on a certain tile, the reel will just spin and spin and spin until you win something.

My mind is a slot machine composed of moments from the past, random conversations, sounds from the world around me and whatever function I am trying to accomplish at the moment. My mind spins and 9 times out of ten the tiles are not matching up. It's hard to focus on what's at hand, remember what just happened and think about what the next step is. The reels just spin and spin and spin. It makes me dizzy, confused and frustrated.

Today I flashed back to different moments in my life. Really random moments that meant nothing at the time and still have no significant meaning now (well, the first one anyway). I just remember the feeling of being there and the sounds of the area. I have no idea what happened at any other point during this day, just this one moment. The first was in Sacramento, California. Walking outside of a shopping center across from the 'Sunrise Mall'. I can see every little detail of the area as if I were there, the smell of food drifting in the air from the Elephant Bar, people driving too fast through the parking lot, kids skateboarding by the movie theater. Just an oridnary day.

The next was shortly after I returned to work when my first son was born. I was a long day and I had made it home just in time to put him to bed for the night. He had already eaten, had a bath and was just about to lay in his bed. I snuggled with him in the rocker, sang him a little song I made up and put him to bed. I had felt bad because I wasn't there for the day but he seemed so content that I was there at that moment. For him restlessness turned into peace and for me, well, he just made every bad moment of my day fade away.

A Smile Emerges....

Today went rather well. After going to bed at midnight and an eventful night with Brenden, I had a feeling it would be a rough one. I am not sure why but he has been waking up for the past three nights around 2:30 am and will not go back to sleep until almost 6 am. He will toss and turn and ask for a bottle, music box or his blanket. Anything that he knows may soothe him back to sleep. He insist on me being there. I nod off occassionally but only for brief moments.

Anyway, I was up at 7:30 praying to fall back to sleep for at least 30 more minutes. Didn't happen, Oh well. I'm thinking to myself that this is going to be one long day because I am tired and still really loopy from the meds. Then I open the blinds. A sunny day appears before me. The birds are searching the grass for their breakfast and are not bothered by my presence. Well, this is hopeful.

I spent part of my day online but most of it playing with the boys. Wrestling, digging 'lost toys' out of the toy box, contructing an African safari with zoo animals on the bedroom floor, creating funny people with playdoh and even a little game of basketball. At one point I actually caught myself skipping down the hall. I almost feel like my real self. It helps that my Sister has been cheering me up with little notes here and there online or via text messages.

Making dinner was tough. Jeff was still at work and Kaitlyn went to a church youth group session with a friend from school. The boys decided to be difficult and I felt like I was losing control. It's hard for me to focus on multiple things these days and Brenden decided to take this opportunity to climb on things, get into stuff he knows he shouldn't get into and just overall be as onery as he can. Stephen is not too bad just mouthy from time to time. Mostly plays quietly and shouts out what Brenden is doing. Nothing really out of the ordinary but I feel like I am just running in circles, trying to focus on dinner (although tonight it's only corn dogs and tater tots), running back and forth dealing with Brenden and constant dialogue with Stephen. So, my stress level rises, blurry vision begins, hard to swallow, heart racing, the room starts to sway.....take a deep breath, remember that it's just a moment in time and it will pass as quickly as it started. Better. I gave Brenden something entertaining to do, told Stephen to play quietly and finished dinner. No more drama, I can focus. Deep breath, stress fades, the room still teeters a little but is slowly coming to a stand still.

So, now I sit here typing out my blog. The house is quiet. Everyone is doing their own thing but peacefully. Nice change of pace around here. Still, I look forward to bedtime and pray that 3 am passes without me staring at the clock. I look forward to tomorrow and the chance to have another successful day. One step, one day at a time and today....I'm still holding on. :)

Welcome to the abyss....

There are days when I start out productive and on a good note and I have high hopes and desire to actually leave the house and take the boys on an adventure. Today was one of those days. I felt pretty good. The sun was shining, I had gotten things done quicker than normal (or maybe it just seemed that way since I woke up an hour early) and the boys seemed to be happy enough for me to handle taking them out. Remember the scene in the movie Finding Nemo when Dory and Marlin are seduced by the light in the dark abyss. They fall into this happy state which quickly dissolves when they turn to see what's really on the other side of their 'happy place'~terror in the form of a fish that wants to eat them for lunch. Yeah, that's exactly what happened to me. My feelings quickly got shot down and my day turned to hell. My happy, productiveness turned to a headache, loss of desire to do anything, anxiety attacks and what seems to be constant rise in blood pressure. My heart is pounding so loudly, I can hear it. My irritability level has sky rocketed and I am about to loss any sense of sanity that remains. A trip out of the house will not happen today. I almost can't breath just thinking about walking outside. There's no pushing myself to do it. Not today. Maybe a nap will be in order. Maybe that will reset my day. One can only hope. In the meantime I will 'just keep swimming'.

Robert Frost:
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on.

Note to self: You must remember that tomorrow is another day to try again. Today may not have gone the way you wanted it to but there's always tomorrow. Breath deep, hope for the best and move forward. If you find the place where you 'are' isn't bringing out the best in you, change places. Don't let others dictate how happy you should be, God gave you the power to control your own life, don't let others do it!! Be happy, think positive, love those around you and trust that even on the best day there are even better days ahead.

As a Christmas present, my wonderful parents got us tickets to the Brad Paisley concert. So, excited! Brad Paisley, Dierks Bentley and newcomer Crystal Shawanda. Jeff and I are big fans of Brad and Dierks so we are really excited about the show. And the show comes at a time when we are really ready for some time without the kids. What a blessing.

My parents came over to watch the kids. Jeff and I went to McMenimans for dinner and arrived at the Rose Garden in time to find our seats just as the lights dimmed for the show. The show was amazing. I love watching performers do their thing and these guys certainly did not disappoint. Dierks interaction with the crowd was awesome and Brad let his sense of humor shine. And of course, the other band member play their hearts out and certainly don't go unnoticed by me. There is constant video streaming upon the screen behind them. Some just showing pictures or the video that corresponds with the song, others are just dancing lights. And even the guy sitting next to me who may have spilled more alcohol on him than he managed to drink or the guy behind us who constantly shouted "y-e-a-h Brad" as if it were a sporting event, couldn't have put a damper on the evening. So, many, mnay, many thanks to my parents for the gift. It was a great night, dinner, music and laughter. Doesn't get much better than that.

Springtime fun
1. Flowers (I love tulips)
2. Easter fun
3. Colored eggs
4. Chocolate
5. Sundresses, sandels and sunhats
6. Jesus' love
7. Baby animals
8. Warm sunny mornings
9. green grass
10. picnics in the park
11. Spring Break
12. St. Patrick Day celebrations
13. Soft April Showers, rain boots and jackets
14. Brightly colored rainbows
15. Hope that springs eternal

PLEASE NOTE: If you are not my licensed therapist: If you read this, please do not discuss it with me. I would rather not know that you are reading it.

My first day of therapy:

I was really nervous about walking into the doctors office and spilling my life out to a complete stranger. Don't get me wrong, I have never had a problem with Doctors before but this time is different. I don't want to face this and I don't want people to see the real me, even a stranger. And I know that this session is going to make me face the real me, whether I like it or not I will have to take off the mask that I hide behind.
So, I take the elevator to the 4th floor. My hands are shaking, my heart beats much quicker than normal. So much so that I feel like it's going to pop out of my chest. I take a deep breath and walk into the office. Receptionist gives me a questionnaire. No big deal. After all, I love filling out forms, right. Wrong. I start crying as I am forced to answer questions about how I am feeling on a daily basis. Why? Because by circling yes or no, I have just admitted that I have these feelings, it's now out there for the world to see and I wonder how what kind of person I will now be portrayed as. And I have always been the person who doesn't really care how the world sees me but what really bothers me the most is how my family sees me. And if they really knew the truth about me, how would they see me then?
The Doctor is quite nice. Tells me to pick a seat in the office. I chose to sit in the chair next to the door rather than the plush leather sofa. I think I'm just not ready for the 'lie on the couch and tell me how you're feeling' part of this whole ordeal. Although after I chose the chair, I wondered what my choice gave insight to. I would later find out.

So, again, I break down in tears at the first question asked, "What brings you here?" Nice, huh? The truth is that this has become a life or death situation for me. I can't go on feeling the way that I do nor allow those around me to deal with this pathetic mess that I have become. And this is not about stress from the kids, not working outside the home or even just being bored. This is about me. About the fact that I wonder what it will take to enjoy life again. To not spend a day in tears, wondering why I'm here. The truth is that I don't want to get out of bed, even though I hardly sleep. Don't want to deal with the daily things that I need to deal with. I find myself taking care of the boys because that's 'my job', not because I want to...sadly, most of the time I don't want to. I clean the house out of guilt that I need to be doing something to be worth having around. Most of the time, I feel like a walking zombie, no real feelings other than sadness, not really caring about anything that I use to. I often compare myself to a paperweight. Just a lump of material, sitting around, mostly for show but has a function nonetheless. Do you really need a paperweight? I hide behind a crooked smile and an 'I'm fine' answer when the truth is that I feel worthless, like I'm bringing everyone down and that the people around me would benefit from me no longer being here. The truth is that I would rather end my life than go on living like this. And for me, right now, this visit is a make or break deal. Because I'm nearing the end of the road. I can feel it and the closer I get the harder it is for me to turn back around. I know that I'm loved, needed and wanted but it's really hard to believe that anyone would feel that way if they knew the truth.

So, I walk away from today's visit with a few things I already knew and a few to ponder. First, I have major depression (knew that). More than likely have been dealing with a form of depression my whole life, probably passed down genetically. A chemical imbalance, an illness not a personality disorder. I'm not crazy, not looking for attention, just off kilter and like any disease I need to take steps to reach the cure. Second, I am agoraphobic. This was not a surprise to me of course, but may be to people who know me. This is the very reason that I stay in my pj's all day long and look for any excuse not to attend functions with friends or even run errands. The severity of it has increased dramatically over the past month and may get worse before it gets better. The panic attacks hard harder to get through now than before and the pain remains for long durations afterward. And finally, the seat I chose was in fact simply because it was by the door. I was nervous, in a situation I wasn't comfortable with and although I knew why I was there and what would happen I still chose the spot that I could easily make my escape from the room if I felt that I needed to. The seat next to the door.

So, this marks the first step on a long road to recovery. I walk away feeling a little lighter, a small weight lifted off my shoulders. Although the day remains hard to get through I will press on, hoping that tomorrow is a little easier.


Agoraphobia (from Greek aγορά, "marketplace"; and φόβος/φοβία, -phobia) is an anxiety disorder, often precipitated by the fear of having a panic attack in a setting from which there is no easy means of escape. As a result, sufferers of agoraphobia may avoid public and/or unfamiliar places. In severe cases, the sufferer may become confined to his or her home, experiencing difficulty traveling from this "safe place."

Symptoms
A phobia is the excessive fear of a specific object, circumstance or situation. Agoraphobia is excessive worry about having a panic attack in a public place. Typical agoraphobia symptoms include:

Fear of being alone
Fear of being in crowded places, such as a shopping mall or sports stadium
Fear of losing control in a public place
Fear of being in places where it may be hard to get out of, such as an elevator or train
Inability to leave your house for long periods (housebound)
Sense of helplessness
Overdependence on others
A sense that your body is unreal
In addition, you may also have signs and symptoms similar to a panic attack, including:

Lightheadedness
Trouble breathing
Dizziness
Excessive sweating
Rapid heart rate
Flushing
Nausea
Upset stomach or diarrhea
Chest pain
Feeling a loss of control
Trouble swallowing

Note to readers:
I will be using this blog to express feelings I am having, issues I'm dealing with and stuff that I need or feel like writing down. I am a writer. It is much easier for me to express these things 'on paper' rather than through speaking them. I am currently back in treatment for depression, this time resulting in sessions of Psychotherapy along with a change in medication. I am using this blog as a form of communication with my therapist.
So, if you are not my licensed therapist: If you read this, please do not discuss it with me. I would rather not know that you are reading it. This is just a blank page for me. I feel that if I have to answer questions or receive comments about my entries, then I may hold back and not say what I need to. I hope that you understand. If you choose to read my blog, please know that I am struggling to get through things right know. If you know my in person, you may be surprised by what you read.

New Medicine means new side effects.

Yay, me. I hate taking medication. HATE IT!! But we do what we have to do in order to get better, right? I have to trust that this medication is going to help me in the long run. So, here we go with feeling more worse in order to feel better. Side effects include....dizziness, nausea, dry mouth, loss of appetite, hard to swallow (feels like my mouth and throat are swollen), sleepiness, hot and cold flashes, change of taste in my mouth (weird), constant yawning, and burred vision. I take the medication at night so that I can hopefully sleep through most of the effects. I can say that it has helped me to fall asleep faster but makes me feel like I'm rolling down a hill because of the dizziness effect. Yes, even when I sleep, nice, huh?

ETA: Jeff said that the first night of the double dose, I was mumbling, not forming any real words and that I was completely 'out of it'. I feel asleep sitting up, so was slumped over and he had to put me to bed.

A letter to my children.
You drive me crazy!
You're full of energy that my 'old body' can't keep up with. You can eat and eat and eat and not have to worry about the extra roll you'll gain around your waistline. You always make me think "when I was your age" and then remember that I hated hearing my parents say that. Then make me realize that yes, I am just like them and yes, they were right. You make me understand that what I say and how I say it may not always be the right thing because you will seem to always repeat me word for word. Attitude included. You get things that you want just because while I'll put off things I need.
You make me a better person. I cannot imagine a day without your smiles, giggles, hugs and kisses. There are days when I want to pull my hair out and all I seem to do is say 'NO', days when I just don't seem to know what to do anymore. And then you smile, that's all it takes. You are my reason for living, the one thing I've done right. I may not be the best parent all of the time, just remember......I'm learning. Every day is a different lesson and you are my teacher. We'll get through this together.....one day at a time. And someday , you'll look back and say, "I remember when"....and I'll get to laugh at you. ;)