Quick blog for the day.

Not the best night of sleep. Had a small but noticable 'attack' this morning, again centered around the kitchen. Yes, this time I went into extreme cleaning mode. And although I felt much better afterward, I wondered why one cup in the sink triggered such an action. Then laughed that maybe I am in fact turning into Mommy Dearest. After all these years of joking, "We do not use wire hangers!" I find myself thinking, "We have a dishwasher, put your stuff in it!" I can laugh now but two hours ago I was almost in tears. Over one cup. Sigh.

Couldn't bring myself to go grocery shopping with Jeff today. Didn't use the boys as an excuse this time, nor do I feel I have to anymore. He simply ask if I felt up to it. And after consideration, I declined. I did take out the trash yesterday. Even with my heart racing and this weird feeling that the pavement seemed to stretch further with every step I took. I decided to focus on the ground rather than the distance. But I did it. Seems odd to celebrate such a feat but I am. Yeah me!

So, I really think the medication is starting to work. Thoughts of ending my life are gone. Even when my day is dark and full of tears, I now just wonder why this is happening rather than why am I here. I'm focused more on what my next step will be to get through this. Trying to figure out why I am so scared to leave the house and what it will take to get over it. So, progressive and positive thoughts, celebrate little moments and quickly move past the set backs. That is what I'm aiming for today.