Today has been incredibly difficult. It didn't start out that way. I actually had a pretty good weekend and after the semi-successful trip to and from my parents house, I decided to attempt a trip to the grocery store with Jeff and the boys. We were only going for a few things so I knew we would only be away from the house for a short period of time. So, here I go....pushing myself to do what I have become scared to do.

The trip in the store goes rather well. I stay focused on Stephen since he is a chatter box and wanting to help get the things we need. We stay in conversation about different products that we see. This is helping. It draws my attention away from the other shoppers and I don't feel closed in at all. I'm pretty proud of myself and feeling rather normal. Until we reach the check stand. I started to panic when someone walked up behind us and started to unload their groceries onto the belt. This put me in the middle and I suddenly felt very confined and closed in.
I made it to the parking lot and into the car without any visable sign of losing control. Once we pull out of our parking space, I break down. Uncontrollable tears. All I can do is cover my face and cry. Wanting to be back at home, out of sight, left alone.

And the rest of the day has been filled with moments of complete saddness. Why do I feel this way? What happened to me? Life is not suppose to be like this. I don't know what to do. These tears can never show how I feel. Like a failure, a disappointment, really just worthless. I know it's too early for the medication to work. It's not a miracle pill. And I know that it has been working because last week was good. My bad days are not every day. But today.....today is one of those days that I really have to fight to hold on. And there's so much of me that just doesn't want to hold on any more. But still, I look at the clock and tell myself that there is only so many hours left. I can do this. Make it through one more day and tomorrow can be different. I have to believe that it will be.