I am ready for something new. I get tired of being stuck at home day after day with two kids that rarely listen to a word I say and band together to fight the forces of evil....which would be me. I am getting to the point where all I do is start crying when I even think of how I am going to fit a baby into this chaos. I really don't know how I'm going to do it. I'm sure things will be fine once he gets here but in the meantime, the stress of it all is really getting to me. A lot of days, I feel like Jeff and Kate are just passing through and have better things to do. Maybe I'm just hormonal, maybe things have been building up for awhile, maybe I just need a break. Whatever. Just like everything else, I'll find a way to deal with it all and move along, even if it's a little slower than I'd like.

Bedrest with 2 kids to take care of? Yeah right. My doctor put me on 6 weeks of strict bedrest. I have been cramping like CRAZY and have had contractions off and on daily. I've been through this before, I know to lay down for an hour, drink an insane amount of liquid and empty my bladder as often as possible. So, I hadn't really been concerned about it all but when my doctor checked me out, I am already in the dialation/softening phase. So....here we go again. I was given a week to try to simplify things around here so I wouldn't have much to do. Suggestions were to buy frozen meals or make some and freeze them for quick dinners, split laundry up so that the loads become smaller and actually less work, make the kids do more for themselves, etc. etc. This isn't going to work. I can tell you that already. It's not like I do a ton of stuff around here but there are days when the boys don't let me sit down for very long. It's always something. And somehow they know when things are bad for me because that's when all hell breaks loose and my stress level skyrockets. So, bedrest? Yeah, if it happens it happens. If not, well, I'm not perfect, right?

I wish people would stop throwing bread crumbs at me. I may waddle like a duck but I don't eat like one.

I woke up this morning wondering if the Opera needs anyone to close out their act.

It's amazing what time does. I'm tired. I hurt. I think I'm completely crazy for carrying this baby inside of me. I am currently 24 weeks along and feel like I've hit my 9th month. Not just on the uncomfortable level but this baby feels big. He is sprawled out from hip to hip and cradles himself at the base of my tummy. I imagine it's completely comfy down there because he doesn't change positions much. He does like to kick and punch though. Especially when it's time for me to go to bed. As soon as I lay down, he's up and moving around. Sometimes I think I've just upset his comfy spot and he now needs to find a new one and other times it feels like he's just letting me know that he's up, getting his exercise, practicing for his life on the outside. Regardless of his position or movements, I love the feeling of him bouncing around. It never ceases to amaze me that I have once again been given the incredible gift of carrying a child. It's an amazing feeling having a little life growing inside of you. I feel bad for complaining. I try not to but I'm tired. It's certainly one one situation where I have to admit that I am getting older. My body is different than it was two years ago. (sigh)

It's been a long time since I've updated my blog so I thought I would take a moment and do so. It seems that a lot has happened since my last post. The day after Easter, we found out that we are expecting our 4th child. It took me at least a month before I could finally comes to terms with it. I love our children and another one is such an incredible blessing but the timing just seems so wrong. My issues, financial issues, etc. I certainly couldn't imagine bringing a baby into the mix. But God has a plan and I have to remind myself that his plans never fail, just trust that everything will work out according to his plan and only in his time. So, currently I am 22 weeks along and loving every kick and punch that this LITTLE BOY is throwing at me. Now, if we could only figure out what his name will be, everything will be complete. We are looking forward to his arrival sometime at the end of November/early December.

By the way, after I found out that we're expecting, I stopped taking my anti-depressants. Worst withdrawals EVER!! Between the withdrawal effects and the early pg symptoms, life sucked for at least 2 weeks. And since time has past, I look back at my previous posts and wonder what the heck I was thinking. I may be hormonal now and then but nothing like I was at the beginning on the year. I read those post and wonder how I was so far gone, why I didn't do more to pull myself back up, thank God that I didn't give up and most importantly am incredibly thankful that nobody gave up on me. I often wonder if God has given us this little blessing as a way of saying, 'Look, I'm still in charge and you still have a job to do.'

Kaitlyn will start school soon and it's a little hard for me to realize that she will be a sophomore. When did my little girl grow up? She turned 15 last month and we are now discussing driving, proms, dating, etc. You always know these days will come but when they arrive you are never really prepared. She's still my little girl and it's sometimes so hard to imagine her being more and more independent. Still, I tend to allow her to go further and further away from the nest, praying that she will hold her own and use what we have taught her to bring her back safely.

Stephen and Brenden are the best of friends and my biggest challenges. They tend to gang up on me for the sport of it. I wish Brenden would finally figure out that it is okay to sleep all night and that he doesn't need to drink out of a bottle anymore. He's two years old for crying out loud. lol. I remember thinking the same thing when Stephen was his age. I'm sure things will change soon, having faith anyway. Stephen has become argumentative and doesn't know that there is a time to just stop. He is still a big ball of energy and is sometimes hard to keep up with.

Jeff still does everything he can to keep us all going. I can't imagine how life would be without him. After all the heartache I'm sure I've put him through, he still comes home every day and gives me the support I need. Without him, I would have gave up a long time ago. I will always say that he deserves more than he gets. Although there are times that it seems we are heading in different directions or just pass each other in the hall, there is never a time that I don't want to just escape with him to some far off place and just be together. I know how lucky I am to have him.

Okay, enough rambling for now. I have to get the boys ready for bed. I hope to be able to update a little more often. I feel like I've found my writing spark again and would love to take a moment out of each day to see what I can come up with. Until then, peace and happiness to those who read this. :)

Took a walk today....alone. It was kind of nice just to go along at my own pace. Getting thoughts out of my head and stopping to look at random things, like the little crocodile sticking out from under the stone archway by the creek. lol. (picture to follow later) Although now my ears are feeling the effects from the cold wind, but this too shall pass. I did a lot of thinking, came to no real conculsions about anything and when all was said and done, didn't really feel much different than when I left. But it was nice to get out.

By the way....cancelled my therapist appt. for today.

Well, I guess that when you are mentally unstable, you no longer have the right or ability to choose not to see your therapist anymore.

I called to see if I could get my medication changed. The earliest appt. I could get was April 20th, even after stating that I was having major issues. And that appt. was no with my regular doctor. Jeff took matters into his own hands and called back. This time he was sent to the emergency psychiatric advice nurse who talk about God knows what with him. I was asked to speak with him, so I did. The end of our conversation ended in him (the person on the phone) 'suggesting' that I be admitted into the hospital for a brief stay to help with some of my problems. I declined. Then follows a 'suggestion' for an intense out-patient treatment that is three-five days a week and lasts for 3 weeks. Declined. Final option, I need to return to see my therapist this Weds. ~sigh~ I chose option #3. Not looking forward to it or even see the point but I agree to it. And I have to go to see a psychiatrist next week. Oh joy!

Maybe I'm in more denial than I think. Maybe things really are worse I am admitting to myself. Does that make me a bad person? I already feel extremely frustrated that I am putting everyone through this crap, that I mope around like a spoiled child who doesn't get their way, that nothing I use to love to do excites me anymore, I push people away and want to be left alone. I feel useless and hopeless and like I'm letting everyone down. I still put on my happy face and do my little song and dance from time to time but inside it's different. I feel torn and broken. And I don't know if that can ever be fixed.

Today was good. Went to visit my Sister and her kids. Always great to hang out with them. And bonus....got to meet, Jeff, her new love. It's amazing to see her face light up when she talks about him and even more so when they are together. I am incredibly happy for her. I always say that everything happens for a reason. I think that her move back to Oregon was to meet him. I can't wait to see what their future holds but I am positive that there will be a lot of love and laughter. My sweet Sister is such an inspiration to me and always, always makes everything okay. If there is ever anyone I know I can turn to, without judgement it's her.

So, Steph, if you read this know that I love you and thank you for all the moments you've been a part of my life. For always making me feel important and reminding me of how great things can be. I am amazed by your drive to do what you love and your fight to over come all of the obstacles in your life. You inspire me to be a better person. My world would certainly be a darker place without you in it.

I have so many things to say and can't. Why? Because you won't listen, won't understand, won't comprehend. I hurt deep inside and it eats away at my soul one day at a time. Things that you can fix but wouldn't. Because I don't think you want to, don't want to hear it, don't want to feel it, don't want to believe it. Can't imagine that any of this can be because of you, the things you say, the things you do. The things that hurt the deepest can never be fixed. The world would change, into something unreal, not knowing where to turn, or exactly how to feel. So, I keep it locked inside, and let it eat away. After all, it's all my fault really, I create the monsters and demons that haunt my dreams. I avoid the realities of life for different reasons. I'm more scared of what may happen to others than what will happen to me. The emotions that I put them through, I don't want them to feel the way I do. And there are no words to describe how I really feel inside. But do you really care? Keep looking the other way.....someday you'll decide to turn around but I won't be here anymore.

Another day to try again. Still a little upset but trying not to think about it so I can try to have a good day. I spend almost the whole day in my room on the computer. Reading about current events, chiming in on topics in my mommy group and depression support group, playing strange little video games and searching for things for Kate to do while on Spring break, among other random things. I sit at my laptop while Kate sits at the desktop. We have conversations that are both serious and funny. The boys run in and out, playing from room to room. After yesterday I really don't feel like doing anything of importance. I don't want to set my self up for complete disappointment again.

Bad day.....bad, bad day. Another day that ends with me wondering what the hell I'm doing here. Picturing myself walking out and doing the 'unthinkable' and being okay with it. I'm not going crazy because I'm home all the time, not bored with life, etc. Just so incredibly frustrated and nothing I do ever seems right, to matter or even cared about, so what's the point of even trying anymore. I feel like when I talk people just stare, like I speak a foreign language or I'm a stranger with no valued opinion. This pushes me into the 'I don't care' mode, which I can't stand.

Just a quick note:

Comments are now accepted. Feel free to let me know what you think, it's okay, I can take it. ;)

Slowing Down To Realize The World Around Me

While taking Kaitlyn and Hailey to tonight's concert, I discovered that I was going to have to park at least 4 blocks away. I dropped the girls off and went to park the car. I briskly walked back to the Theatre and escorted the girls inside. I am not staying for tonight's show, simply because I was only on the guest list for two tickets. I think Kate will have more fun with a friend than just with me. So, I walk in, show my ID so they can get in, get a little surprise from the band (a free copy of their CD) and leave. My walk back to the car is a much slower pace. I walk down the same streets that brought me to the theatre. This time noticing little things. The older homes with neatly manicured lawns. Others that look like they have seen better days. The streets are lined with trees, little pink and white flower pedals cover the sidewalks. The sweet scent of cherry blossoms fill the air and it seems much quieter than it did a couple of minutes ago when I was hurried along. A couple walk by, all dressed in winter coats, her head leans against his shoulder and their arms are interlocked. A woman leaves her garage, puts her headphones on, jumps onto her bike and starts to sing as she rides down the road. And finally as I approach my car, I see a much older couple leaving for an apparent night out. Very nicely dressed and in good spirits. He says something as he opens the car door for her, she giggles and her face just lights up. He grins as if he knows 'he's still got it'.

It's amazing what we miss in life because we are always in such a hurry or we just don't bother to really look. When I reached my car I wished it were even further away so I could continue my walk. There must have been even more wonderful things to see.

“It is important from time to time to slow down, to go away by yourself, and simply be.” ~Eileen Caddy

“Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going to fast - you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.”
Eddie Cantor

Today is kind of a busy day for me. Therapy appt. in the morning, concert at night. May not seem that big to most people for me, it will be. The appt. I can handle. It's two blocks away and if it weren't raining, I would enjoy walking there. I shall drive.

Back from therapy and all seems well. Much different than last time. Quiet weird actually. I decided that I no longer want to go because I just don't think I can sit in a room and answer the "how does that make you feel?" question over and over again. It's agreed that the blog is acceptable as long as I agree to remain honest. I'll admit that the feedback has been great and since I am not one to openly talk about how I feel and why, it's been such a release to use the blog to get it all out. And though not all blogs are published, I've still released those thoughts and I feel like the load is getting lighter.

Concert time. It's an all acoustic set featuring Evan Taubenfeld, This Providence and The Academy Is. I'm a little nervous because I know there will be at least 200 people there. It's at The Hawthorn Theatre, so it's a very familiar setting for me. There is a small bar that is upstairs and overlooks the stage/floor. There is hardly ever anyone up there. I figure I can sit up there while Kaitlyn and her friend enjoy the show stage side. The drive is fine. No issues. Waiting in line, no problem. I work the crowd, handing out my promotional materials: band postcards and stickers. I even take pictures of the fans holding up their newly acquired goodies to send back to the record label and bands. Concert starts, I decide to stay on the floor, toward the back. Show is amazing. Evan is an upcoming artist who is funny, funny, funny and amazingly talented. (listen for him on your radio soon~first single-Boy Meets Girl) This Providence was a little awkward but rather good all the same. The Academy Is was just William Beckett himself. Amazing. This guy certainly can sing and in my opinion should really do more acoustic sets. Not to mention, he is just adorable.

Anyway, a successful day. I am bouncy and talkative and ready for more days like today!

Not a great day, don't feel like blogging. I will say this though: When giving a patient medication, you should really be specific on how the meds should be taken. I've been taking my meds wrong for 4 weeks and am expected to just up and change routines. So, I do, get incredibly sick and find out that I possibly overdosed myself because I followed directions. WTH??? See, this is why I hate taking pills.

We spent the morning watching new guests in our backyard. We were visited by 2 Stellar Jays that were hunting for worms. Such brightly colored birds that had a very successful hunt. Stephen loved to watch how fast they were as they pulled each worm out of the ground. Then quickly got disgusted when he watched them eat. (lol) He also loved their black pointy heads and described them as wearing blue jackets and black pokey hats. Ah, the imagination of a three year old.

Then Brenden and Stephen both hopped around the living room pretending to be Stellar Jays pulling worms out of the ground. Stephen couldn't help but hold his hand over his mouth after pretending to swallow his worms. There was just no convincing that it was just bird's spaghetti. Oh well. It's nice to see the boys use their imaginations and discover different things. And Stephen has been so interested in animals lately. He seems to tell me a different fact about a new animal each day. Yesterday it was all about monkeys. How monkeys eat fruit, nuts and bugs. (Again covering his mouth. lol) And that they make big messes when they look for their food. And even before our feathered friends entered our yard, he was schooling me on the facts about crocodiles. Did you know that a crocodile can kill a shark? A fact that I learned from my little animal expert. I will admit, I had to google it and it's true, Crocs have been known to kill sharks. Crazy, huh? I wonder what else we will learn today.......

Happy St. Patrick's Day......More importantly, it's my Mom's Birthday. :) Happy 59th Birthday, Mom. <3

I am discovering that each day really is different for me. One day I can be fine and the next I feel like I've taken four steps backwards. Today has been a normal, old self kinda day. I woke up early, thanks to Brenden. Got some lingering stuff done. Typical daily stuff, make beds, feed and dress the boys, etc. etc. Then we took a trip to Target to buy diapers. No issues what so ever. On out way to the car, I even decided that we should go next door and visit the pet store. So, Jeff and I took the boys in and looked at the different pets they had on display. Parrots, guinea pig, rat, mice, fish, snakes and of course, parakeets and finches. Oh and I must not forget the very cool, orange canaries. The boys were excited to see the different pets on display and it was fun watching them. Can't wait to take them back to the zoo. After dinner, I ventured back to the store, this time with Kaitlyn. We strolled around for about an hour before returning home. Again, no problems at all. It was great!! I really wanted to just go from place to place. I feel like I've locked myself up for so long, I've missed all kinds of things. Hopefully tomorrow I will still be ready to take adventures away from the house. But like I said, every day seems to be different. Overall, the entire day was great. I stayed in a great mood all day. Found myself laughing, having fun and completely free of any panic attacks, crying spurts, and having only one quick anger issue but quickly resolved it. Looking forward to more days like this.

I developed a major headache on Sat. and have been in bed since. I slept almost all day yesterday and still woke up this morning with the same headache. This is not a new thing for me. I have had these headaches for years now. They come on fast and stay for at least three days and up to a week. There is no medication that I have found that relieves the pain and there is no common trigger for them. The pain is intense, located in the middle of my forehead just above my right eye and at the base of my skull on the same side. The pain does not wrap around my head but goes straight through from one point to the next.

Despite my pain, I have had a successful day. Again, little success' that I'm celebrating but it helps me focus and allows me to look back and know that I can continue to get better. Today I woke up and the sink was full of dishes. No big deal. I have to admit, when I shrugged my shoulders and started to walk away, I paused and ask myself if I was really going to just walk away. Yep, I did. Not upset, no frustration, just walked away. :) Next, Kaitlyn missed the bus. I woke up Stephen, got both boys dressed, got in the car and drove her to school. Didn't even think twice about it. I left the house and returned without having any type of panic attack at all. I finally felt normal. Now granted, I didn't have to leave the car and interact with the public, but I still went away from the house. Last Weds. I had a major meltdown before I even left the house, knowing I had to drive Kaitlyn and her friends downtown.

So, today I'm smiling, headache and all. The sun is shining through the rain and all is well.

ETA: On a different note, Brenden has gone 'potty' in the toilet three times this weekend. He told us her had to go, we put him on and he went. So, we may be on our way to potty training. Yay, Brenden!! Now, if we can just get him to talk. lol.

Happy Saturday.....Blah.

I just lost steam today. I woke up ready to go. Got a load of laundry folded and one washed and put into the dryer. Made the beds, took care of Brenden, etc, etc. I even refolded and arranged every sheet, blanket and towel in the linen closet. But once I closed the closet door, everything just stopped. I stopped wanting to do anything at all, suddenly feeling like I should just close the curtains, turn the fan on and crawl back into bed. Not because I'm tired, although I could probably use the sleep, but because I just don't want to do anything else. I feel blah, emotionless, don't bug me because I don't really care, blah.