I have so many things to say and can't. Why? Because you won't listen, won't understand, won't comprehend. I hurt deep inside and it eats away at my soul one day at a time. Things that you can fix but wouldn't. Because I don't think you want to, don't want to hear it, don't want to feel it, don't want to believe it. Can't imagine that any of this can be because of you, the things you say, the things you do. The things that hurt the deepest can never be fixed. The world would change, into something unreal, not knowing where to turn, or exactly how to feel. So, I keep it locked inside, and let it eat away. After all, it's all my fault really, I create the monsters and demons that haunt my dreams. I avoid the realities of life for different reasons. I'm more scared of what may happen to others than what will happen to me. The emotions that I put them through, I don't want them to feel the way I do. And there are no words to describe how I really feel inside. But do you really care? Keep looking the other way.....someday you'll decide to turn around but I won't be here anymore.

Another day to try again. Still a little upset but trying not to think about it so I can try to have a good day. I spend almost the whole day in my room on the computer. Reading about current events, chiming in on topics in my mommy group and depression support group, playing strange little video games and searching for things for Kate to do while on Spring break, among other random things. I sit at my laptop while Kate sits at the desktop. We have conversations that are both serious and funny. The boys run in and out, playing from room to room. After yesterday I really don't feel like doing anything of importance. I don't want to set my self up for complete disappointment again.

Bad day.....bad, bad day. Another day that ends with me wondering what the hell I'm doing here. Picturing myself walking out and doing the 'unthinkable' and being okay with it. I'm not going crazy because I'm home all the time, not bored with life, etc. Just so incredibly frustrated and nothing I do ever seems right, to matter or even cared about, so what's the point of even trying anymore. I feel like when I talk people just stare, like I speak a foreign language or I'm a stranger with no valued opinion. This pushes me into the 'I don't care' mode, which I can't stand.

Just a quick note:

Comments are now accepted. Feel free to let me know what you think, it's okay, I can take it. ;)

Slowing Down To Realize The World Around Me

While taking Kaitlyn and Hailey to tonight's concert, I discovered that I was going to have to park at least 4 blocks away. I dropped the girls off and went to park the car. I briskly walked back to the Theatre and escorted the girls inside. I am not staying for tonight's show, simply because I was only on the guest list for two tickets. I think Kate will have more fun with a friend than just with me. So, I walk in, show my ID so they can get in, get a little surprise from the band (a free copy of their CD) and leave. My walk back to the car is a much slower pace. I walk down the same streets that brought me to the theatre. This time noticing little things. The older homes with neatly manicured lawns. Others that look like they have seen better days. The streets are lined with trees, little pink and white flower pedals cover the sidewalks. The sweet scent of cherry blossoms fill the air and it seems much quieter than it did a couple of minutes ago when I was hurried along. A couple walk by, all dressed in winter coats, her head leans against his shoulder and their arms are interlocked. A woman leaves her garage, puts her headphones on, jumps onto her bike and starts to sing as she rides down the road. And finally as I approach my car, I see a much older couple leaving for an apparent night out. Very nicely dressed and in good spirits. He says something as he opens the car door for her, she giggles and her face just lights up. He grins as if he knows 'he's still got it'.

It's amazing what we miss in life because we are always in such a hurry or we just don't bother to really look. When I reached my car I wished it were even further away so I could continue my walk. There must have been even more wonderful things to see.

“It is important from time to time to slow down, to go away by yourself, and simply be.” ~Eileen Caddy

“Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going to fast - you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.”
Eddie Cantor

Today is kind of a busy day for me. Therapy appt. in the morning, concert at night. May not seem that big to most people for me, it will be. The appt. I can handle. It's two blocks away and if it weren't raining, I would enjoy walking there. I shall drive.

Back from therapy and all seems well. Much different than last time. Quiet weird actually. I decided that I no longer want to go because I just don't think I can sit in a room and answer the "how does that make you feel?" question over and over again. It's agreed that the blog is acceptable as long as I agree to remain honest. I'll admit that the feedback has been great and since I am not one to openly talk about how I feel and why, it's been such a release to use the blog to get it all out. And though not all blogs are published, I've still released those thoughts and I feel like the load is getting lighter.

Concert time. It's an all acoustic set featuring Evan Taubenfeld, This Providence and The Academy Is. I'm a little nervous because I know there will be at least 200 people there. It's at The Hawthorn Theatre, so it's a very familiar setting for me. There is a small bar that is upstairs and overlooks the stage/floor. There is hardly ever anyone up there. I figure I can sit up there while Kaitlyn and her friend enjoy the show stage side. The drive is fine. No issues. Waiting in line, no problem. I work the crowd, handing out my promotional materials: band postcards and stickers. I even take pictures of the fans holding up their newly acquired goodies to send back to the record label and bands. Concert starts, I decide to stay on the floor, toward the back. Show is amazing. Evan is an upcoming artist who is funny, funny, funny and amazingly talented. (listen for him on your radio soon~first single-Boy Meets Girl) This Providence was a little awkward but rather good all the same. The Academy Is was just William Beckett himself. Amazing. This guy certainly can sing and in my opinion should really do more acoustic sets. Not to mention, he is just adorable.

Anyway, a successful day. I am bouncy and talkative and ready for more days like today!

Not a great day, don't feel like blogging. I will say this though: When giving a patient medication, you should really be specific on how the meds should be taken. I've been taking my meds wrong for 4 weeks and am expected to just up and change routines. So, I do, get incredibly sick and find out that I possibly overdosed myself because I followed directions. WTH??? See, this is why I hate taking pills.

We spent the morning watching new guests in our backyard. We were visited by 2 Stellar Jays that were hunting for worms. Such brightly colored birds that had a very successful hunt. Stephen loved to watch how fast they were as they pulled each worm out of the ground. Then quickly got disgusted when he watched them eat. (lol) He also loved their black pointy heads and described them as wearing blue jackets and black pokey hats. Ah, the imagination of a three year old.

Then Brenden and Stephen both hopped around the living room pretending to be Stellar Jays pulling worms out of the ground. Stephen couldn't help but hold his hand over his mouth after pretending to swallow his worms. There was just no convincing that it was just bird's spaghetti. Oh well. It's nice to see the boys use their imaginations and discover different things. And Stephen has been so interested in animals lately. He seems to tell me a different fact about a new animal each day. Yesterday it was all about monkeys. How monkeys eat fruit, nuts and bugs. (Again covering his mouth. lol) And that they make big messes when they look for their food. And even before our feathered friends entered our yard, he was schooling me on the facts about crocodiles. Did you know that a crocodile can kill a shark? A fact that I learned from my little animal expert. I will admit, I had to google it and it's true, Crocs have been known to kill sharks. Crazy, huh? I wonder what else we will learn today.......

Happy St. Patrick's Day......More importantly, it's my Mom's Birthday. :) Happy 59th Birthday, Mom. <3

I am discovering that each day really is different for me. One day I can be fine and the next I feel like I've taken four steps backwards. Today has been a normal, old self kinda day. I woke up early, thanks to Brenden. Got some lingering stuff done. Typical daily stuff, make beds, feed and dress the boys, etc. etc. Then we took a trip to Target to buy diapers. No issues what so ever. On out way to the car, I even decided that we should go next door and visit the pet store. So, Jeff and I took the boys in and looked at the different pets they had on display. Parrots, guinea pig, rat, mice, fish, snakes and of course, parakeets and finches. Oh and I must not forget the very cool, orange canaries. The boys were excited to see the different pets on display and it was fun watching them. Can't wait to take them back to the zoo. After dinner, I ventured back to the store, this time with Kaitlyn. We strolled around for about an hour before returning home. Again, no problems at all. It was great!! I really wanted to just go from place to place. I feel like I've locked myself up for so long, I've missed all kinds of things. Hopefully tomorrow I will still be ready to take adventures away from the house. But like I said, every day seems to be different. Overall, the entire day was great. I stayed in a great mood all day. Found myself laughing, having fun and completely free of any panic attacks, crying spurts, and having only one quick anger issue but quickly resolved it. Looking forward to more days like this.

I developed a major headache on Sat. and have been in bed since. I slept almost all day yesterday and still woke up this morning with the same headache. This is not a new thing for me. I have had these headaches for years now. They come on fast and stay for at least three days and up to a week. There is no medication that I have found that relieves the pain and there is no common trigger for them. The pain is intense, located in the middle of my forehead just above my right eye and at the base of my skull on the same side. The pain does not wrap around my head but goes straight through from one point to the next.

Despite my pain, I have had a successful day. Again, little success' that I'm celebrating but it helps me focus and allows me to look back and know that I can continue to get better. Today I woke up and the sink was full of dishes. No big deal. I have to admit, when I shrugged my shoulders and started to walk away, I paused and ask myself if I was really going to just walk away. Yep, I did. Not upset, no frustration, just walked away. :) Next, Kaitlyn missed the bus. I woke up Stephen, got both boys dressed, got in the car and drove her to school. Didn't even think twice about it. I left the house and returned without having any type of panic attack at all. I finally felt normal. Now granted, I didn't have to leave the car and interact with the public, but I still went away from the house. Last Weds. I had a major meltdown before I even left the house, knowing I had to drive Kaitlyn and her friends downtown.

So, today I'm smiling, headache and all. The sun is shining through the rain and all is well.

ETA: On a different note, Brenden has gone 'potty' in the toilet three times this weekend. He told us her had to go, we put him on and he went. So, we may be on our way to potty training. Yay, Brenden!! Now, if we can just get him to talk. lol.

Happy Saturday.....Blah.

I just lost steam today. I woke up ready to go. Got a load of laundry folded and one washed and put into the dryer. Made the beds, took care of Brenden, etc, etc. I even refolded and arranged every sheet, blanket and towel in the linen closet. But once I closed the closet door, everything just stopped. I stopped wanting to do anything at all, suddenly feeling like I should just close the curtains, turn the fan on and crawl back into bed. Not because I'm tired, although I could probably use the sleep, but because I just don't want to do anything else. I feel blah, emotionless, don't bug me because I don't really care, blah.

Quick blog for the day.

Not the best night of sleep. Had a small but noticable 'attack' this morning, again centered around the kitchen. Yes, this time I went into extreme cleaning mode. And although I felt much better afterward, I wondered why one cup in the sink triggered such an action. Then laughed that maybe I am in fact turning into Mommy Dearest. After all these years of joking, "We do not use wire hangers!" I find myself thinking, "We have a dishwasher, put your stuff in it!" I can laugh now but two hours ago I was almost in tears. Over one cup. Sigh.

Couldn't bring myself to go grocery shopping with Jeff today. Didn't use the boys as an excuse this time, nor do I feel I have to anymore. He simply ask if I felt up to it. And after consideration, I declined. I did take out the trash yesterday. Even with my heart racing and this weird feeling that the pavement seemed to stretch further with every step I took. I decided to focus on the ground rather than the distance. But I did it. Seems odd to celebrate such a feat but I am. Yeah me!

So, I really think the medication is starting to work. Thoughts of ending my life are gone. Even when my day is dark and full of tears, I now just wonder why this is happening rather than why am I here. I'm focused more on what my next step will be to get through this. Trying to figure out why I am so scared to leave the house and what it will take to get over it. So, progressive and positive thoughts, celebrate little moments and quickly move past the set backs. That is what I'm aiming for today.

Hope is putting faith to work when doubting would be easier. ~Author Unknown

Last night I didn't sleep. Certainly not my choice but that's how life goes sometimes. The boys had a rough night and I get to take the toll.

Stephen woke up first. Nightmare. I manage to get him back to sleep just in time for Brenden to wake up. Needs diaper change. A quick change, a kiss and a little encouragement, he's back to sleep. An hour an a half later, Stephen wakes. He has to pee. I take him and he request to sleep in our bed because he's just 'scared of his dream'. Knowing that he will go back to sleep much quicker, I agree to it. He climbs into bed with Jeff and just as I lay down Brenden wakes up.

Sigh, it's 3 am. This time he's coughing and asking for a drink. Off to the kitchen I go. This time, Brenden wants me to sleep with him. Not an unusual request from him in the middle of the night. I lay down hoping that this will coax him to sleep quickly. Not a chance. He tosses and turns and says 'mama' over and over. He can't get back to sleep. At 5:30 I finally get him a bottle and tell him to go to sleep without me.

I return to bed to discover my spot has been taken by Stephen and the dog. No room to push either one over. Back to the boys room. No way I'm climbing back in bed with Brenden, he'll drive me crazy. So, to the top bunk I go. That's right, I slept in Stephen's bed...the top of the bunk beds. When Jeff awoke an hour later and discovered I wasn't in either our bed or Brenden's bed, he wondered where I had gone. And of course, woke me up to ask why I was there. Sigh.

Here's the best part! After I climbed down, I peeked on the bottom bunk to check on Brenden. He was sleeping, quite well actually. I noticed what looked like a white baby blanket crumpled up at his feet but didn't know what it was. Until I picked it up. It was Brenden's diaper. That's right. He had completely stripped and was sleeping naked. And proud of it. As I put another diaper on him, he protested but decided he was just too tired to fight it. What a way to start my day, from grumpiness to laughter. I decided to stay awake and enjoy my quiet time and cup of coffee.

So, I was deep in thought today. I know, crazy, right? lol. And I remembered that when I lived in Sacramento, my parents gave me a little gift to lift my spirits. I seemed to be going through a 'down phase' and they wanted to remind me that there are so many things to be happy about. So, the gift was a book. The title, "10,000 Things To Be Happy About". No stories, no pictures just a fat book which was really just a list of things that made the author smile. So, here is my list for the day:

Sunny Weather
Childrens laughter
My Sister's sense of humor
Music
Hot showers
quiet time
birds singing
long walks
My family's support
photographs
coloring books and bright crayons
baking cookies
going to the zoo
picnics in the park
coconut cream pie
a day at the beach
little cafes
quiet weekends away
stolen kisses
butterflies
spring flowers emerging in the brisk air
snow falling
shooting stars
long drives to no planned destination
rainbows
waterfalls
calm lakes
kittens
museums

and of course, the list goes on and on but that's for another day. :)

Today has been incredibly difficult. It didn't start out that way. I actually had a pretty good weekend and after the semi-successful trip to and from my parents house, I decided to attempt a trip to the grocery store with Jeff and the boys. We were only going for a few things so I knew we would only be away from the house for a short period of time. So, here I go....pushing myself to do what I have become scared to do.

The trip in the store goes rather well. I stay focused on Stephen since he is a chatter box and wanting to help get the things we need. We stay in conversation about different products that we see. This is helping. It draws my attention away from the other shoppers and I don't feel closed in at all. I'm pretty proud of myself and feeling rather normal. Until we reach the check stand. I started to panic when someone walked up behind us and started to unload their groceries onto the belt. This put me in the middle and I suddenly felt very confined and closed in.
I made it to the parking lot and into the car without any visable sign of losing control. Once we pull out of our parking space, I break down. Uncontrollable tears. All I can do is cover my face and cry. Wanting to be back at home, out of sight, left alone.

And the rest of the day has been filled with moments of complete saddness. Why do I feel this way? What happened to me? Life is not suppose to be like this. I don't know what to do. These tears can never show how I feel. Like a failure, a disappointment, really just worthless. I know it's too early for the medication to work. It's not a miracle pill. And I know that it has been working because last week was good. My bad days are not every day. But today.....today is one of those days that I really have to fight to hold on. And there's so much of me that just doesn't want to hold on any more. But still, I look at the clock and tell myself that there is only so many hours left. I can do this. Make it through one more day and tomorrow can be different. I have to believe that it will be.

Picture this. A slot machine. You pull the handle and the reels spin. If you are lucky all the tiles match up and you win a prize. But 9 times out of ten the tiles are mixed matched and you get to try again. Now there are those machines that have some sort of crazy trick to them that if you land on a certain tile, the reel will just spin and spin and spin until you win something.

My mind is a slot machine composed of moments from the past, random conversations, sounds from the world around me and whatever function I am trying to accomplish at the moment. My mind spins and 9 times out of ten the tiles are not matching up. It's hard to focus on what's at hand, remember what just happened and think about what the next step is. The reels just spin and spin and spin. It makes me dizzy, confused and frustrated.

Today I flashed back to different moments in my life. Really random moments that meant nothing at the time and still have no significant meaning now (well, the first one anyway). I just remember the feeling of being there and the sounds of the area. I have no idea what happened at any other point during this day, just this one moment. The first was in Sacramento, California. Walking outside of a shopping center across from the 'Sunrise Mall'. I can see every little detail of the area as if I were there, the smell of food drifting in the air from the Elephant Bar, people driving too fast through the parking lot, kids skateboarding by the movie theater. Just an oridnary day.

The next was shortly after I returned to work when my first son was born. I was a long day and I had made it home just in time to put him to bed for the night. He had already eaten, had a bath and was just about to lay in his bed. I snuggled with him in the rocker, sang him a little song I made up and put him to bed. I had felt bad because I wasn't there for the day but he seemed so content that I was there at that moment. For him restlessness turned into peace and for me, well, he just made every bad moment of my day fade away.

A Smile Emerges....

Today went rather well. After going to bed at midnight and an eventful night with Brenden, I had a feeling it would be a rough one. I am not sure why but he has been waking up for the past three nights around 2:30 am and will not go back to sleep until almost 6 am. He will toss and turn and ask for a bottle, music box or his blanket. Anything that he knows may soothe him back to sleep. He insist on me being there. I nod off occassionally but only for brief moments.

Anyway, I was up at 7:30 praying to fall back to sleep for at least 30 more minutes. Didn't happen, Oh well. I'm thinking to myself that this is going to be one long day because I am tired and still really loopy from the meds. Then I open the blinds. A sunny day appears before me. The birds are searching the grass for their breakfast and are not bothered by my presence. Well, this is hopeful.

I spent part of my day online but most of it playing with the boys. Wrestling, digging 'lost toys' out of the toy box, contructing an African safari with zoo animals on the bedroom floor, creating funny people with playdoh and even a little game of basketball. At one point I actually caught myself skipping down the hall. I almost feel like my real self. It helps that my Sister has been cheering me up with little notes here and there online or via text messages.

Making dinner was tough. Jeff was still at work and Kaitlyn went to a church youth group session with a friend from school. The boys decided to be difficult and I felt like I was losing control. It's hard for me to focus on multiple things these days and Brenden decided to take this opportunity to climb on things, get into stuff he knows he shouldn't get into and just overall be as onery as he can. Stephen is not too bad just mouthy from time to time. Mostly plays quietly and shouts out what Brenden is doing. Nothing really out of the ordinary but I feel like I am just running in circles, trying to focus on dinner (although tonight it's only corn dogs and tater tots), running back and forth dealing with Brenden and constant dialogue with Stephen. So, my stress level rises, blurry vision begins, hard to swallow, heart racing, the room starts to sway.....take a deep breath, remember that it's just a moment in time and it will pass as quickly as it started. Better. I gave Brenden something entertaining to do, told Stephen to play quietly and finished dinner. No more drama, I can focus. Deep breath, stress fades, the room still teeters a little but is slowly coming to a stand still.

So, now I sit here typing out my blog. The house is quiet. Everyone is doing their own thing but peacefully. Nice change of pace around here. Still, I look forward to bedtime and pray that 3 am passes without me staring at the clock. I look forward to tomorrow and the chance to have another successful day. One step, one day at a time and today....I'm still holding on. :)

Welcome to the abyss....

There are days when I start out productive and on a good note and I have high hopes and desire to actually leave the house and take the boys on an adventure. Today was one of those days. I felt pretty good. The sun was shining, I had gotten things done quicker than normal (or maybe it just seemed that way since I woke up an hour early) and the boys seemed to be happy enough for me to handle taking them out. Remember the scene in the movie Finding Nemo when Dory and Marlin are seduced by the light in the dark abyss. They fall into this happy state which quickly dissolves when they turn to see what's really on the other side of their 'happy place'~terror in the form of a fish that wants to eat them for lunch. Yeah, that's exactly what happened to me. My feelings quickly got shot down and my day turned to hell. My happy, productiveness turned to a headache, loss of desire to do anything, anxiety attacks and what seems to be constant rise in blood pressure. My heart is pounding so loudly, I can hear it. My irritability level has sky rocketed and I am about to loss any sense of sanity that remains. A trip out of the house will not happen today. I almost can't breath just thinking about walking outside. There's no pushing myself to do it. Not today. Maybe a nap will be in order. Maybe that will reset my day. One can only hope. In the meantime I will 'just keep swimming'.

Robert Frost:
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on.

Note to self: You must remember that tomorrow is another day to try again. Today may not have gone the way you wanted it to but there's always tomorrow. Breath deep, hope for the best and move forward. If you find the place where you 'are' isn't bringing out the best in you, change places. Don't let others dictate how happy you should be, God gave you the power to control your own life, don't let others do it!! Be happy, think positive, love those around you and trust that even on the best day there are even better days ahead.

As a Christmas present, my wonderful parents got us tickets to the Brad Paisley concert. So, excited! Brad Paisley, Dierks Bentley and newcomer Crystal Shawanda. Jeff and I are big fans of Brad and Dierks so we are really excited about the show. And the show comes at a time when we are really ready for some time without the kids. What a blessing.

My parents came over to watch the kids. Jeff and I went to McMenimans for dinner and arrived at the Rose Garden in time to find our seats just as the lights dimmed for the show. The show was amazing. I love watching performers do their thing and these guys certainly did not disappoint. Dierks interaction with the crowd was awesome and Brad let his sense of humor shine. And of course, the other band member play their hearts out and certainly don't go unnoticed by me. There is constant video streaming upon the screen behind them. Some just showing pictures or the video that corresponds with the song, others are just dancing lights. And even the guy sitting next to me who may have spilled more alcohol on him than he managed to drink or the guy behind us who constantly shouted "y-e-a-h Brad" as if it were a sporting event, couldn't have put a damper on the evening. So, many, mnay, many thanks to my parents for the gift. It was a great night, dinner, music and laughter. Doesn't get much better than that.