Springtime fun
1. Flowers (I love tulips)
2. Easter fun
3. Colored eggs
4. Chocolate
5. Sundresses, sandels and sunhats
6. Jesus' love
7. Baby animals
8. Warm sunny mornings
9. green grass
10. picnics in the park
11. Spring Break
12. St. Patrick Day celebrations
13. Soft April Showers, rain boots and jackets
14. Brightly colored rainbows
15. Hope that springs eternal

PLEASE NOTE: If you are not my licensed therapist: If you read this, please do not discuss it with me. I would rather not know that you are reading it.

My first day of therapy:

I was really nervous about walking into the doctors office and spilling my life out to a complete stranger. Don't get me wrong, I have never had a problem with Doctors before but this time is different. I don't want to face this and I don't want people to see the real me, even a stranger. And I know that this session is going to make me face the real me, whether I like it or not I will have to take off the mask that I hide behind.
So, I take the elevator to the 4th floor. My hands are shaking, my heart beats much quicker than normal. So much so that I feel like it's going to pop out of my chest. I take a deep breath and walk into the office. Receptionist gives me a questionnaire. No big deal. After all, I love filling out forms, right. Wrong. I start crying as I am forced to answer questions about how I am feeling on a daily basis. Why? Because by circling yes or no, I have just admitted that I have these feelings, it's now out there for the world to see and I wonder how what kind of person I will now be portrayed as. And I have always been the person who doesn't really care how the world sees me but what really bothers me the most is how my family sees me. And if they really knew the truth about me, how would they see me then?
The Doctor is quite nice. Tells me to pick a seat in the office. I chose to sit in the chair next to the door rather than the plush leather sofa. I think I'm just not ready for the 'lie on the couch and tell me how you're feeling' part of this whole ordeal. Although after I chose the chair, I wondered what my choice gave insight to. I would later find out.

So, again, I break down in tears at the first question asked, "What brings you here?" Nice, huh? The truth is that this has become a life or death situation for me. I can't go on feeling the way that I do nor allow those around me to deal with this pathetic mess that I have become. And this is not about stress from the kids, not working outside the home or even just being bored. This is about me. About the fact that I wonder what it will take to enjoy life again. To not spend a day in tears, wondering why I'm here. The truth is that I don't want to get out of bed, even though I hardly sleep. Don't want to deal with the daily things that I need to deal with. I find myself taking care of the boys because that's 'my job', not because I want to...sadly, most of the time I don't want to. I clean the house out of guilt that I need to be doing something to be worth having around. Most of the time, I feel like a walking zombie, no real feelings other than sadness, not really caring about anything that I use to. I often compare myself to a paperweight. Just a lump of material, sitting around, mostly for show but has a function nonetheless. Do you really need a paperweight? I hide behind a crooked smile and an 'I'm fine' answer when the truth is that I feel worthless, like I'm bringing everyone down and that the people around me would benefit from me no longer being here. The truth is that I would rather end my life than go on living like this. And for me, right now, this visit is a make or break deal. Because I'm nearing the end of the road. I can feel it and the closer I get the harder it is for me to turn back around. I know that I'm loved, needed and wanted but it's really hard to believe that anyone would feel that way if they knew the truth.

So, I walk away from today's visit with a few things I already knew and a few to ponder. First, I have major depression (knew that). More than likely have been dealing with a form of depression my whole life, probably passed down genetically. A chemical imbalance, an illness not a personality disorder. I'm not crazy, not looking for attention, just off kilter and like any disease I need to take steps to reach the cure. Second, I am agoraphobic. This was not a surprise to me of course, but may be to people who know me. This is the very reason that I stay in my pj's all day long and look for any excuse not to attend functions with friends or even run errands. The severity of it has increased dramatically over the past month and may get worse before it gets better. The panic attacks hard harder to get through now than before and the pain remains for long durations afterward. And finally, the seat I chose was in fact simply because it was by the door. I was nervous, in a situation I wasn't comfortable with and although I knew why I was there and what would happen I still chose the spot that I could easily make my escape from the room if I felt that I needed to. The seat next to the door.

So, this marks the first step on a long road to recovery. I walk away feeling a little lighter, a small weight lifted off my shoulders. Although the day remains hard to get through I will press on, hoping that tomorrow is a little easier.


Agoraphobia (from Greek aγορά, "marketplace"; and φόβος/φοβία, -phobia) is an anxiety disorder, often precipitated by the fear of having a panic attack in a setting from which there is no easy means of escape. As a result, sufferers of agoraphobia may avoid public and/or unfamiliar places. In severe cases, the sufferer may become confined to his or her home, experiencing difficulty traveling from this "safe place."

Symptoms
A phobia is the excessive fear of a specific object, circumstance or situation. Agoraphobia is excessive worry about having a panic attack in a public place. Typical agoraphobia symptoms include:

Fear of being alone
Fear of being in crowded places, such as a shopping mall or sports stadium
Fear of losing control in a public place
Fear of being in places where it may be hard to get out of, such as an elevator or train
Inability to leave your house for long periods (housebound)
Sense of helplessness
Overdependence on others
A sense that your body is unreal
In addition, you may also have signs and symptoms similar to a panic attack, including:

Lightheadedness
Trouble breathing
Dizziness
Excessive sweating
Rapid heart rate
Flushing
Nausea
Upset stomach or diarrhea
Chest pain
Feeling a loss of control
Trouble swallowing

Note to readers:
I will be using this blog to express feelings I am having, issues I'm dealing with and stuff that I need or feel like writing down. I am a writer. It is much easier for me to express these things 'on paper' rather than through speaking them. I am currently back in treatment for depression, this time resulting in sessions of Psychotherapy along with a change in medication. I am using this blog as a form of communication with my therapist.
So, if you are not my licensed therapist: If you read this, please do not discuss it with me. I would rather not know that you are reading it. This is just a blank page for me. I feel that if I have to answer questions or receive comments about my entries, then I may hold back and not say what I need to. I hope that you understand. If you choose to read my blog, please know that I am struggling to get through things right know. If you know my in person, you may be surprised by what you read.

New Medicine means new side effects.

Yay, me. I hate taking medication. HATE IT!! But we do what we have to do in order to get better, right? I have to trust that this medication is going to help me in the long run. So, here we go with feeling more worse in order to feel better. Side effects include....dizziness, nausea, dry mouth, loss of appetite, hard to swallow (feels like my mouth and throat are swollen), sleepiness, hot and cold flashes, change of taste in my mouth (weird), constant yawning, and burred vision. I take the medication at night so that I can hopefully sleep through most of the effects. I can say that it has helped me to fall asleep faster but makes me feel like I'm rolling down a hill because of the dizziness effect. Yes, even when I sleep, nice, huh?

ETA: Jeff said that the first night of the double dose, I was mumbling, not forming any real words and that I was completely 'out of it'. I feel asleep sitting up, so was slumped over and he had to put me to bed.

A letter to my children.
You drive me crazy!
You're full of energy that my 'old body' can't keep up with. You can eat and eat and eat and not have to worry about the extra roll you'll gain around your waistline. You always make me think "when I was your age" and then remember that I hated hearing my parents say that. Then make me realize that yes, I am just like them and yes, they were right. You make me understand that what I say and how I say it may not always be the right thing because you will seem to always repeat me word for word. Attitude included. You get things that you want just because while I'll put off things I need.
You make me a better person. I cannot imagine a day without your smiles, giggles, hugs and kisses. There are days when I want to pull my hair out and all I seem to do is say 'NO', days when I just don't seem to know what to do anymore. And then you smile, that's all it takes. You are my reason for living, the one thing I've done right. I may not be the best parent all of the time, just remember......I'm learning. Every day is a different lesson and you are my teacher. We'll get through this together.....one day at a time. And someday , you'll look back and say, "I remember when"....and I'll get to laugh at you. ;)

Ice, ice baby.
We got 8 inches of snow at our house yesterday. Last night the snow turned to light rain which caused an inch of ice to form everywhere. I could not wait to get out and explore our frozen tundra.

First Day of Winter brings a new list of favorite things.

Winter favs by laurat93
1. Sweaters
2. Hot Chocolate
3. Snow
4. Christmas lights, trees and decorations
5. A warm fire
6. Baking cookies, making candy, etc.
7. Hats, mittens and fuzzy socks
8. Building a snowman with the kids that ends in a snowball fight.
9. Holiday Cheer
10. A big bowl of soup or chili.....yum!

Eight days (and counting) of the sickies.

I'm currently under the weather. I have a chest cold and can feel the mucinex guy invading my lungs. Not just him but he has invited his whole damn family, their friends and even people they may or may not have gone to school with or have randomly passed on the street. And their little party is nonstop. Complete with a DJ and all you can eat buffet. Just for the record, I didn't invite these little freaks and no matter how much medicine I ingest, they are not going away but almost seem to enjoy it. Getting high off of my cough syrup and adding fuel to their fire. Ugg....cough.cough. Listen up Mucinex family....GET THE HELL OUT! Really, eight days is enough. I've got things to do and I don't want to be dragging you around with me. I'm tired of lying around, drinking hot tea, eating oatmeal, constantly coughing and hacking like a dog that's on it's last leg. (RIP~Pepper.lol) So, time to move on, I'm done with you.

Tonight's dinner menu, just in case you were wondering. :)

Winnie The Pooh and Brenden, too

Morning time is pretty routine in our house. It's probably the only time that has any type of structure to it. Although, it's not necessarily the most exciting, it works and that's all that matters to me right now. Part of that routine is Playhouse Disney. It gets turned on around 8 am and stays on until about 11 am. Not always being watched but on nonetheless. One show that is always watched through it's entirety...'My Friends Tiger and Pooh'. Brenden hears the theme song and comes running. It doesn't matter where he is or how much fun he's having, when that song starts to play, he drop what he's doing to come dance and sing along. Taking time outs to point to the television and say, 'Pooh, Pooh'. Mesmerized by the shows musical opening he backs to sit in the middle of the livingroom. Asks for his bob (bottle) and blank (blanket, of course). I am prepared for his request. He patiently waits for me to lay the blanket down. Plops down in the middle, lays down and reaches for his bottle. Watching his favorite Pooh Bear solve mysteries in the Hundread Acre Woods.

There's just something special about this whole episode. The way Brenden's face lights up, he dances around the livingroom and gets so excited that Tigger and Pooh are on tv. The way he actually tries to talk to ask for his bottle and blanket or the way he runs in from where ever he has been playing once he hears that tune start to play. Or maybe it's just the fact that I know this is the onset to his nap and I will have a brief time out from being a referee. :)~ Whatever it may be, I look forward to this time every morning. It's just one of those little things in life that I treasure and brightens my day. But then again, it really doesn't take much for Brenden to brighten my day.

The Pumpkin Patch
I love this time of year. One of my favorite things to do in October is to take the kids to the pumpkin patch. I love to watch them walk through all of the bright orange pumpkins, searching for their very own. The smell of apple cider and caramel corn in the air, corn mazes and trees dropping thier colored leaves. Here are some pictures from our trip this weekend.

Enjoying life.....

and everything that goes along with it. These days are good. I'm taking in the joys of the little things in life. Trying not to stress out about things that I have no control over in the first place. Letting go of what holds me down. Yeah, these days are good.

I haven't had a panic attack in over a year. If you have never had a panic attack then let me try to explain what happens. For me they seem to come on without warning. Things that seem so small can trigger the worst pain. Things that shouldn't bother me and on any other day in fact, would not phase me at all. Suddenly the walls seem to get closer together and the room feels box-like. The air gets thicker and it becomes harder to breath. And you now know exactly where your heart is located in your body because you can feel every inch of it. It feels like someone has reached in and is squeezing down as it tries to pulsate. And it feels like it's trying to escape. It's really easy to see why people think they are having a heart attack because the pain in incredible and does not subside easily. Yet the room still seems to get even smaller, the air thicker. And the world around you seems to speed up while you remain in slow motion. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, try to imagine something else. Just breathe. Air going in and out, that's all you can focus on. Eventually the room gets bigger, a littel at a time and as it grows, the pain subsides. Your heart slows and once again hides somewhere inside of you.

Maybe it's just God's way of saying, "Look, you're still alive and I still have control." Maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me, maybe it's just another way that I am losing control. Who knows.

So, today's panic attacks revolved around laundry and breakfast dishes. I can't really explain why because I wouldn't even know where to begin. I can tell you that it sent me back to the way I felt two years ago and it seemed like I was falling down a long spiral staircase. The one it took me so long to climb up. I should have seen this coming. It's been a bad week. I've felt withdrawn, not wanting to do anything but lay on the couch and stare out the window. Once in awhile, bursting into tears for no apparent reason. It's been a struggle to take care of the boys. I just kind of let them do what ever they want, occassionally walking around, picking up their toys, settling fights and getting them stuff to snack on. This week I suck as a Mom. I'll admit it. The fact that I have no desire to do anything certainly doesn't make me feel any better about myself, yet I really cannot bring myself to fix it. I can't explain it, this week I'm just broken.

Note to self:

Not every problem has a solution. Sometimes they are just lessons to be learned. You cannot fix everything nor should you have to. Sometimes you need to just let things go.

That's right...Let it go!

The Rainy Day
(Written at the old home in Portland)

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains,and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the mouldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains,and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the mouldering past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast,
And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart, and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Well said, Mr. Longfellow.

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things....


Autumn is my favorite season. Here are a few reasons why:

1. Baking cookies and pies
2. Making Soups, stews and chili
3. Sweaters and a scarf
4. Candles
5. Halloween
6. Pumpkin Patches and Apple Picking
7. Hot Chocolate
8. Cold, Crisp Mornings
9. Fall Colors

10. Foggy Nights

Headaches, Heartaches and Tears

Today has been one of those days that I just want to crawl under a rock and lay awhile. In the dark, no where to be found. I have a headache. I want to sleep. As much as I try to pretend everything is okay, depression seems to always resurface and drop down on me like a ton of bricks. I cry at everything. It's amazing how one day can be beyond perfect and the next I am looking for any small glimpse of why I should even be here. So, today, I need my rock. Somewhere to cry without the kids crwaling all over me, needing me to do everything for them, somewhere I can go and not here them scream at each other, or here I want this or that. My head hurts, I'm exhausted, mentally and physically, I just don't want to exsist today. Depression sucks. I hate to cry. oh, my head hurts.

But there's not time for that. Toys are spread out all through the house, dinner needs to be cooked, laundry is waiting to be folded and I'm sure the dog needs to go out. ~sigh~ So, I'll continue to cry as I muttle throught the rest of the day, simply hoping that tomorrow will be much better. Please let tomorrow be better.

My Flair Board

A Night With Phantom Planet....

Earlier this year I became a street team member for the record label Fueled By Ramen. I did this because my daughter loves the bands that are signed with them. I figured that if I became active as a street teamer, then she could reap the rewards from my work. Well, I really never thought I would be spending so much time doing what I do. I create web pages, post banners, advertise as much as I possibly can online before I hit the streets where I hang posters, hand out stickers and promote upcoming cd's and concerts. It's been alot of fun and I really just hope that she will someday look back on this time and think that just maybe I was a pretty cool Mom for doing stuff like this so she could have a little fun and possibly meet some of her favorite bands.

Fast forward to last night. We attended the Rocket Summer Tour at the Hawthorne Theatre. Featuring the bands, Rocket Summer, Phantom Planet, The Secret Handshake and The Morning Light. This would be the third time since June that we have gotten to see Phantom Planet perform. Well, after they hit the stage and performed their set we got to go hang out with them 'backstage'~which is the parking lot at Hawthorne. lol. Let me tell you, Kaitlyn was elated! We talked with each band member for quite awhile, got some autographs, took a few pictures and just hung out. These are really just a sweet group of guys that were very attentive to their fans.
We opted not to attend the 'after-party' at the Juniper Lounge because after all, it was a school night. ;) So, thanks to Phantom Planet and Luis Dubuc (The Secret Handshake) for making the night way cooler than just seeing a show and buying a t-shirt. Although I'm still working off the sugar rush from eating those VooDoo Doughnuts......uh. Here are a few pics:
Kaitlyn, Luis Dubuc and Amber (Kate's friend)

Alex Greenwald (Phantom Planet) and Kaitlyn

I have come to realize............

That sometimes, okay, most of the time, I just need to let things go. What happens, happens and there's no point pondering what if or if only.

It's a lot of work to shoot for the stars when people are determined to knock the stars out of the sky before you can get to them. Just remember if you are able to catch a shooting star.....you're on fire!

Life is a lesson whether you want to learn it or not. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing the course. I'm hoping I've built up enough extra credits to pass in the end.

Laughter is more than the best medicine, sometimes it's the breath of life.

I should p-r-o-b-a-b-l-y be concerned that my youngest son constantly chases me with a sword while my oldest son watches and laughs. Disturbed, we are.

There's nothing quite like watching your child learn to walk. Each step an achievement, with the look of pure happiness on their face. So proud of themself yet amazed that they've learned to do such a huge thing. Why do we lose that feeling in life?

Every person has a superpower....mine happens to be, oh, wait, I can't tell you....maybe you can figure it out!

You are certainly as old or young as you feel. There are days when I feel 19 again but then wake up the next day suddenly 110.

It's the little moments in life that make the greatest memories. The key is paying attention to the details. On that note, live every day with the hopes of it becoming a great memory for someone when your gone. You'll be amazed at how that makes you feel.

Finally....I've come to realize that no matter how inspired I am, two little boys can quickly change my train of thought and what normally comes naturally can take hours. What was I saying???