I haven't had a panic attack in over a year. If you have never had a panic attack then let me try to explain what happens. For me they seem to come on without warning. Things that seem so small can trigger the worst pain. Things that shouldn't bother me and on any other day in fact, would not phase me at all. Suddenly the walls seem to get closer together and the room feels box-like. The air gets thicker and it becomes harder to breath. And you now know exactly where your heart is located in your body because you can feel every inch of it. It feels like someone has reached in and is squeezing down as it tries to pulsate. And it feels like it's trying to escape. It's really easy to see why people think they are having a heart attack because the pain in incredible and does not subside easily. Yet the room still seems to get even smaller, the air thicker. And the world around you seems to speed up while you remain in slow motion. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, try to imagine something else. Just breathe. Air going in and out, that's all you can focus on. Eventually the room gets bigger, a littel at a time and as it grows, the pain subsides. Your heart slows and once again hides somewhere inside of you.

Maybe it's just God's way of saying, "Look, you're still alive and I still have control." Maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me, maybe it's just another way that I am losing control. Who knows.

So, today's panic attacks revolved around laundry and breakfast dishes. I can't really explain why because I wouldn't even know where to begin. I can tell you that it sent me back to the way I felt two years ago and it seemed like I was falling down a long spiral staircase. The one it took me so long to climb up. I should have seen this coming. It's been a bad week. I've felt withdrawn, not wanting to do anything but lay on the couch and stare out the window. Once in awhile, bursting into tears for no apparent reason. It's been a struggle to take care of the boys. I just kind of let them do what ever they want, occassionally walking around, picking up their toys, settling fights and getting them stuff to snack on. This week I suck as a Mom. I'll admit it. The fact that I have no desire to do anything certainly doesn't make me feel any better about myself, yet I really cannot bring myself to fix it. I can't explain it, this week I'm just broken.