Ice, ice baby.
We got 8 inches of snow at our house yesterday. Last night the snow turned to light rain which caused an inch of ice to form everywhere. I could not wait to get out and explore our frozen tundra.

First Day of Winter brings a new list of favorite things.

Winter favs by laurat93
1. Sweaters
2. Hot Chocolate
3. Snow
4. Christmas lights, trees and decorations
5. A warm fire
6. Baking cookies, making candy, etc.
7. Hats, mittens and fuzzy socks
8. Building a snowman with the kids that ends in a snowball fight.
9. Holiday Cheer
10. A big bowl of soup or chili.....yum!

Eight days (and counting) of the sickies.

I'm currently under the weather. I have a chest cold and can feel the mucinex guy invading my lungs. Not just him but he has invited his whole damn family, their friends and even people they may or may not have gone to school with or have randomly passed on the street. And their little party is nonstop. Complete with a DJ and all you can eat buffet. Just for the record, I didn't invite these little freaks and no matter how much medicine I ingest, they are not going away but almost seem to enjoy it. Getting high off of my cough syrup and adding fuel to their fire. Ugg....cough.cough. Listen up Mucinex family....GET THE HELL OUT! Really, eight days is enough. I've got things to do and I don't want to be dragging you around with me. I'm tired of lying around, drinking hot tea, eating oatmeal, constantly coughing and hacking like a dog that's on it's last leg. (RIP~Pepper.lol) So, time to move on, I'm done with you.

Tonight's dinner menu, just in case you were wondering. :)

Winnie The Pooh and Brenden, too

Morning time is pretty routine in our house. It's probably the only time that has any type of structure to it. Although, it's not necessarily the most exciting, it works and that's all that matters to me right now. Part of that routine is Playhouse Disney. It gets turned on around 8 am and stays on until about 11 am. Not always being watched but on nonetheless. One show that is always watched through it's entirety...'My Friends Tiger and Pooh'. Brenden hears the theme song and comes running. It doesn't matter where he is or how much fun he's having, when that song starts to play, he drop what he's doing to come dance and sing along. Taking time outs to point to the television and say, 'Pooh, Pooh'. Mesmerized by the shows musical opening he backs to sit in the middle of the livingroom. Asks for his bob (bottle) and blank (blanket, of course). I am prepared for his request. He patiently waits for me to lay the blanket down. Plops down in the middle, lays down and reaches for his bottle. Watching his favorite Pooh Bear solve mysteries in the Hundread Acre Woods.

There's just something special about this whole episode. The way Brenden's face lights up, he dances around the livingroom and gets so excited that Tigger and Pooh are on tv. The way he actually tries to talk to ask for his bottle and blanket or the way he runs in from where ever he has been playing once he hears that tune start to play. Or maybe it's just the fact that I know this is the onset to his nap and I will have a brief time out from being a referee. :)~ Whatever it may be, I look forward to this time every morning. It's just one of those little things in life that I treasure and brightens my day. But then again, it really doesn't take much for Brenden to brighten my day.

The Pumpkin Patch
I love this time of year. One of my favorite things to do in October is to take the kids to the pumpkin patch. I love to watch them walk through all of the bright orange pumpkins, searching for their very own. The smell of apple cider and caramel corn in the air, corn mazes and trees dropping thier colored leaves. Here are some pictures from our trip this weekend.

Enjoying life.....

and everything that goes along with it. These days are good. I'm taking in the joys of the little things in life. Trying not to stress out about things that I have no control over in the first place. Letting go of what holds me down. Yeah, these days are good.

I haven't had a panic attack in over a year. If you have never had a panic attack then let me try to explain what happens. For me they seem to come on without warning. Things that seem so small can trigger the worst pain. Things that shouldn't bother me and on any other day in fact, would not phase me at all. Suddenly the walls seem to get closer together and the room feels box-like. The air gets thicker and it becomes harder to breath. And you now know exactly where your heart is located in your body because you can feel every inch of it. It feels like someone has reached in and is squeezing down as it tries to pulsate. And it feels like it's trying to escape. It's really easy to see why people think they are having a heart attack because the pain in incredible and does not subside easily. Yet the room still seems to get even smaller, the air thicker. And the world around you seems to speed up while you remain in slow motion. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, try to imagine something else. Just breathe. Air going in and out, that's all you can focus on. Eventually the room gets bigger, a littel at a time and as it grows, the pain subsides. Your heart slows and once again hides somewhere inside of you.

Maybe it's just God's way of saying, "Look, you're still alive and I still have control." Maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me, maybe it's just another way that I am losing control. Who knows.

So, today's panic attacks revolved around laundry and breakfast dishes. I can't really explain why because I wouldn't even know where to begin. I can tell you that it sent me back to the way I felt two years ago and it seemed like I was falling down a long spiral staircase. The one it took me so long to climb up. I should have seen this coming. It's been a bad week. I've felt withdrawn, not wanting to do anything but lay on the couch and stare out the window. Once in awhile, bursting into tears for no apparent reason. It's been a struggle to take care of the boys. I just kind of let them do what ever they want, occassionally walking around, picking up their toys, settling fights and getting them stuff to snack on. This week I suck as a Mom. I'll admit it. The fact that I have no desire to do anything certainly doesn't make me feel any better about myself, yet I really cannot bring myself to fix it. I can't explain it, this week I'm just broken.

Note to self:

Not every problem has a solution. Sometimes they are just lessons to be learned. You cannot fix everything nor should you have to. Sometimes you need to just let things go.

That's right...Let it go!

The Rainy Day
(Written at the old home in Portland)

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains,and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the mouldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains,and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the mouldering past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast,
And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart, and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Well said, Mr. Longfellow.

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things....


Autumn is my favorite season. Here are a few reasons why:

1. Baking cookies and pies
2. Making Soups, stews and chili
3. Sweaters and a scarf
4. Candles
5. Halloween
6. Pumpkin Patches and Apple Picking
7. Hot Chocolate
8. Cold, Crisp Mornings
9. Fall Colors

10. Foggy Nights

Headaches, Heartaches and Tears

Today has been one of those days that I just want to crawl under a rock and lay awhile. In the dark, no where to be found. I have a headache. I want to sleep. As much as I try to pretend everything is okay, depression seems to always resurface and drop down on me like a ton of bricks. I cry at everything. It's amazing how one day can be beyond perfect and the next I am looking for any small glimpse of why I should even be here. So, today, I need my rock. Somewhere to cry without the kids crwaling all over me, needing me to do everything for them, somewhere I can go and not here them scream at each other, or here I want this or that. My head hurts, I'm exhausted, mentally and physically, I just don't want to exsist today. Depression sucks. I hate to cry. oh, my head hurts.

But there's not time for that. Toys are spread out all through the house, dinner needs to be cooked, laundry is waiting to be folded and I'm sure the dog needs to go out. ~sigh~ So, I'll continue to cry as I muttle throught the rest of the day, simply hoping that tomorrow will be much better. Please let tomorrow be better.

My Flair Board

A Night With Phantom Planet....

Earlier this year I became a street team member for the record label Fueled By Ramen. I did this because my daughter loves the bands that are signed with them. I figured that if I became active as a street teamer, then she could reap the rewards from my work. Well, I really never thought I would be spending so much time doing what I do. I create web pages, post banners, advertise as much as I possibly can online before I hit the streets where I hang posters, hand out stickers and promote upcoming cd's and concerts. It's been alot of fun and I really just hope that she will someday look back on this time and think that just maybe I was a pretty cool Mom for doing stuff like this so she could have a little fun and possibly meet some of her favorite bands.

Fast forward to last night. We attended the Rocket Summer Tour at the Hawthorne Theatre. Featuring the bands, Rocket Summer, Phantom Planet, The Secret Handshake and The Morning Light. This would be the third time since June that we have gotten to see Phantom Planet perform. Well, after they hit the stage and performed their set we got to go hang out with them 'backstage'~which is the parking lot at Hawthorne. lol. Let me tell you, Kaitlyn was elated! We talked with each band member for quite awhile, got some autographs, took a few pictures and just hung out. These are really just a sweet group of guys that were very attentive to their fans.
We opted not to attend the 'after-party' at the Juniper Lounge because after all, it was a school night. ;) So, thanks to Phantom Planet and Luis Dubuc (The Secret Handshake) for making the night way cooler than just seeing a show and buying a t-shirt. Although I'm still working off the sugar rush from eating those VooDoo Doughnuts......uh. Here are a few pics:
Kaitlyn, Luis Dubuc and Amber (Kate's friend)

Alex Greenwald (Phantom Planet) and Kaitlyn

I have come to realize............

That sometimes, okay, most of the time, I just need to let things go. What happens, happens and there's no point pondering what if or if only.

It's a lot of work to shoot for the stars when people are determined to knock the stars out of the sky before you can get to them. Just remember if you are able to catch a shooting star.....you're on fire!

Life is a lesson whether you want to learn it or not. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing the course. I'm hoping I've built up enough extra credits to pass in the end.

Laughter is more than the best medicine, sometimes it's the breath of life.

I should p-r-o-b-a-b-l-y be concerned that my youngest son constantly chases me with a sword while my oldest son watches and laughs. Disturbed, we are.

There's nothing quite like watching your child learn to walk. Each step an achievement, with the look of pure happiness on their face. So proud of themself yet amazed that they've learned to do such a huge thing. Why do we lose that feeling in life?

Every person has a superpower....mine happens to be, oh, wait, I can't tell you....maybe you can figure it out!

You are certainly as old or young as you feel. There are days when I feel 19 again but then wake up the next day suddenly 110.

It's the little moments in life that make the greatest memories. The key is paying attention to the details. On that note, live every day with the hopes of it becoming a great memory for someone when your gone. You'll be amazed at how that makes you feel.

Finally....I've come to realize that no matter how inspired I am, two little boys can quickly change my train of thought and what normally comes naturally can take hours. What was I saying???

Where life has taken me:

Looking back, I think of all the places I've been and people I've met. It's amazing what we experience in our lives and how we somehow let those experiences slip away. Moments that shape our character and we never realize it until later in life. Just thinking back on a few things like: High school, what seems like yesterday is more than 17 years ago. What was so important then is now forgotten but the friendships made are imprinted in my heart.... Packing my bag and driving across the country in the spur of a moment, just to see a boy :)....Lying in a hospital bed, trying to comprehend the fact that my life almost ended the night before....falling in love and knowing that this time, it's the real thing....getting a marriage proposal in the middle of the desert....being told that children were never going to be a possibility, then 2 years later hearing the first breath taken by my new baby girl~(miracles happen)....learning lessons of patience and love, when to let things go or what's really worth the fight. Finding that stressing out about little things will make you old before your time. Learning that if you just sit back and watch the world go by, you have no chance to make memories and will have no stories to tell about your life. Chase your dreams, make them a reality and in the end there will be no regrets about what could have been. You create your own destiny, make your own happiness..... Love those around you even if they choose not to love you in return. Yes, your heart will break but your life will change in a wonderful way and you'll find that yourself stronger for the next time around. Sometimes it's just a matter of timing. Either wait it out or move on but take the chance.

Now I watch as the world change before my eyes and each day brings something new. New lessons learned, taught by unexpected teachers, like my children or a stranger in a store. I look forward to the future. I have Daughter and two Sons. What will their lives bring to them to shape their character? Time will only tell, but I can't wait to share some of those moments with them!

Depression Sucks! I was diagnosed with major depression after the birth of my oldest son. Well, I was originally told it was post partumn depressin and I blew it off thinking that if I just went back to work then everything would be okay. 4 months later my world was upside down and I was reduced to a shell of my former self. I was terrified to go out into public, having major panic attacks and feeling like the world was closing in on me. I quit my job and went into hiding. I felt that if I could not care for my baby's every need, then I was failing as a mother. So, I refused to let even his father take care of him. My life became robotic. Every morning needed to be the same as the morning before. Get up, make the bed, make coffee, do laundry, change, feed and dress Stephen, clean the house, etc, etc. My house was spotless, everything in it's place and all of my functions were done in a very timely manner. If I fell behind, I would panic, if I forgot something or couldn't manage then I failed. I cried constantly. Never letting my family see, I would break down every day in the shower~My meltdown place. I was miserable and told no one. Every day I would look for reason not to just go for a drive and never come back. I felt like my family could do better without me, I was just in the way because after all, I wasn't doing anything right. Pills. That's what give you. Lots of pills. Can I just tell you how much I hate taking pills. Therapy 3 times a week. Get down to the root of the problem. That's what they tell you. What if there is no root to the problem. what if I am just messed up? Really. Look at my history. I have always said that when I die the doctors will decide to use me for science not trying to decide how exactly I died but what exactly kept me alive. My kidneys are messed up, I apparently have some sort of blood disorder, among a list of other things that I'd rather not dive into at this moment. Of course, now we are adding depression to the list. Another lovely, 'take the pills for the rest of your life" diagnosis. Yay me. Fast forward to today. Life is different. I have my good days and my bad. Mostly good but when they are bad, they are really bad. I tend to keep quiet and try my hardest not to impact my kids with my many moods. It's hard. I have to think about my family. As much as I hurt, I can't be the reason that other people hurt. If I were to end it all,what would my kids do? I know Jeff could be there for them but is it fair o make him do it alone? How would my parents feel? Would my Sister hate the thought of me? So, I blog. There are many blogs, you'll never see. I tend to write them out as a release and then quickly delete them fearing that someone will see them and then think less of me. They are dark and show a side of me that I wish for no one to see or I wish not to see myself. Depression sucks. It is a disease. I can't turn it on and off, no matter how positive I am. Pills just cover it up. I hate to take them.

My little girl turned 13 today. Wow~where did that time go???? We went from trips to the park to trips to the mall and from Barbie dolls to digital cameras in what feel like months instead of years. Still, some things never change......she still doesn't like when people sing Happy Birthday to her, still wants to be in the pool as soon as May rolls around, whether its hot or not, still takes the bread off of a corn dog before she eats it and whether or not she'll admit it, she is still a Daddy's girl. My little girl is growing up. Soon we will be shopping for prom dresses and signing her up for drivers education. (sigh) And every day I can't believe how she's grown........almost taller than me, is incredibly beautiful (but fails to see it) has a sense of humor that most people should be jealous of and is thoughtful of others but is not afraid to defend herself when needed. (she can hit like a heavyweight!) So, Kaitlyn, when you read this, know that no matter what you do in life, no matter how bad you think things are, and no matter how old you get, you will always be my little girl, my miracle in life and my greatest achievement. You are a blessing that I certainly never thought I deserved but am so incredibly grateful to have. And I cannot imagine one day of my life without you in it. The past 13 years have been the greatest years written in my book of life and it's all because you're here. I love you, my little Katiebug!!!

Lesson of the Day

what I've learned from a 15 month old.

* Sometimes you need to stop what you are doing and spin in circles. When you stop, you may be or may not be dizzy but you'll definetly see things differently.

* Going down the slide is fun but sometimes the best part is climbing the stairs to get there.

* Coffee can truly be appreciated when sitting on the livingroom floor watching the Wiggles. Yes, dancing is required. (sigh, not really liking the Wiggles)

* If you speak too quiet, people cannot hear you. If you're too loud, they'll just tune you out. Find your voice and be heard.

* A bonk on the head is as good as a kiss on the lips anyday. However, if you are lucky enough to receive both at the same time, consider yourself loved.

* Every child should be allowed to splash in the tub. Just remember: Even the smallest amount of bath water can cover an entire bathroom floor. Don't get mad, get a mop~it probably needed to be cleaned anyway!

* You know when dinner was good if your baby is wearing it. Not so good if the wall is wearing it.