Took a walk today....alone. It was kind of nice just to go along at my own pace. Getting thoughts out of my head and stopping to look at random things, like the little crocodile sticking out from under the stone archway by the creek. lol. (picture to follow later) Although now my ears are feeling the effects from the cold wind, but this too shall pass. I did a lot of thinking, came to no real conculsions about anything and when all was said and done, didn't really feel much different than when I left. But it was nice to get out.

By the way....cancelled my therapist appt. for today.

Well, I guess that when you are mentally unstable, you no longer have the right or ability to choose not to see your therapist anymore.

I called to see if I could get my medication changed. The earliest appt. I could get was April 20th, even after stating that I was having major issues. And that appt. was no with my regular doctor. Jeff took matters into his own hands and called back. This time he was sent to the emergency psychiatric advice nurse who talk about God knows what with him. I was asked to speak with him, so I did. The end of our conversation ended in him (the person on the phone) 'suggesting' that I be admitted into the hospital for a brief stay to help with some of my problems. I declined. Then follows a 'suggestion' for an intense out-patient treatment that is three-five days a week and lasts for 3 weeks. Declined. Final option, I need to return to see my therapist this Weds. ~sigh~ I chose option #3. Not looking forward to it or even see the point but I agree to it. And I have to go to see a psychiatrist next week. Oh joy!

Maybe I'm in more denial than I think. Maybe things really are worse I am admitting to myself. Does that make me a bad person? I already feel extremely frustrated that I am putting everyone through this crap, that I mope around like a spoiled child who doesn't get their way, that nothing I use to love to do excites me anymore, I push people away and want to be left alone. I feel useless and hopeless and like I'm letting everyone down. I still put on my happy face and do my little song and dance from time to time but inside it's different. I feel torn and broken. And I don't know if that can ever be fixed.

Today was good. Went to visit my Sister and her kids. Always great to hang out with them. And bonus....got to meet, Jeff, her new love. It's amazing to see her face light up when she talks about him and even more so when they are together. I am incredibly happy for her. I always say that everything happens for a reason. I think that her move back to Oregon was to meet him. I can't wait to see what their future holds but I am positive that there will be a lot of love and laughter. My sweet Sister is such an inspiration to me and always, always makes everything okay. If there is ever anyone I know I can turn to, without judgement it's her.

So, Steph, if you read this know that I love you and thank you for all the moments you've been a part of my life. For always making me feel important and reminding me of how great things can be. I am amazed by your drive to do what you love and your fight to over come all of the obstacles in your life. You inspire me to be a better person. My world would certainly be a darker place without you in it.