I haven't had a panic attack in over a year. If you have never had a panic attack then let me try to explain what happens. For me they seem to come on without warning. Things that seem so small can trigger the worst pain. Things that shouldn't bother me and on any other day in fact, would not phase me at all. Suddenly the walls seem to get closer together and the room feels box-like. The air gets thicker and it becomes harder to breath. And you now know exactly where your heart is located in your body because you can feel every inch of it. It feels like someone has reached in and is squeezing down as it tries to pulsate. And it feels like it's trying to escape. It's really easy to see why people think they are having a heart attack because the pain in incredible and does not subside easily. Yet the room still seems to get even smaller, the air thicker. And the world around you seems to speed up while you remain in slow motion. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, try to imagine something else. Just breathe. Air going in and out, that's all you can focus on. Eventually the room gets bigger, a littel at a time and as it grows, the pain subsides. Your heart slows and once again hides somewhere inside of you.

Maybe it's just God's way of saying, "Look, you're still alive and I still have control." Maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me, maybe it's just another way that I am losing control. Who knows.

So, today's panic attacks revolved around laundry and breakfast dishes. I can't really explain why because I wouldn't even know where to begin. I can tell you that it sent me back to the way I felt two years ago and it seemed like I was falling down a long spiral staircase. The one it took me so long to climb up. I should have seen this coming. It's been a bad week. I've felt withdrawn, not wanting to do anything but lay on the couch and stare out the window. Once in awhile, bursting into tears for no apparent reason. It's been a struggle to take care of the boys. I just kind of let them do what ever they want, occassionally walking around, picking up their toys, settling fights and getting them stuff to snack on. This week I suck as a Mom. I'll admit it. The fact that I have no desire to do anything certainly doesn't make me feel any better about myself, yet I really cannot bring myself to fix it. I can't explain it, this week I'm just broken.

Note to self:

Not every problem has a solution. Sometimes they are just lessons to be learned. You cannot fix everything nor should you have to. Sometimes you need to just let things go.

That's right...Let it go!

The Rainy Day
(Written at the old home in Portland)

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains,and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the mouldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains,and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the mouldering past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast,
And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart, and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Well said, Mr. Longfellow.

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things....


Autumn is my favorite season. Here are a few reasons why:

1. Baking cookies and pies
2. Making Soups, stews and chili
3. Sweaters and a scarf
4. Candles
5. Halloween
6. Pumpkin Patches and Apple Picking
7. Hot Chocolate
8. Cold, Crisp Mornings
9. Fall Colors

10. Foggy Nights

Headaches, Heartaches and Tears

Today has been one of those days that I just want to crawl under a rock and lay awhile. In the dark, no where to be found. I have a headache. I want to sleep. As much as I try to pretend everything is okay, depression seems to always resurface and drop down on me like a ton of bricks. I cry at everything. It's amazing how one day can be beyond perfect and the next I am looking for any small glimpse of why I should even be here. So, today, I need my rock. Somewhere to cry without the kids crwaling all over me, needing me to do everything for them, somewhere I can go and not here them scream at each other, or here I want this or that. My head hurts, I'm exhausted, mentally and physically, I just don't want to exsist today. Depression sucks. I hate to cry. oh, my head hurts.

But there's not time for that. Toys are spread out all through the house, dinner needs to be cooked, laundry is waiting to be folded and I'm sure the dog needs to go out. ~sigh~ So, I'll continue to cry as I muttle throught the rest of the day, simply hoping that tomorrow will be much better. Please let tomorrow be better.

My Flair Board

A Night With Phantom Planet....

Earlier this year I became a street team member for the record label Fueled By Ramen. I did this because my daughter loves the bands that are signed with them. I figured that if I became active as a street teamer, then she could reap the rewards from my work. Well, I really never thought I would be spending so much time doing what I do. I create web pages, post banners, advertise as much as I possibly can online before I hit the streets where I hang posters, hand out stickers and promote upcoming cd's and concerts. It's been alot of fun and I really just hope that she will someday look back on this time and think that just maybe I was a pretty cool Mom for doing stuff like this so she could have a little fun and possibly meet some of her favorite bands.

Fast forward to last night. We attended the Rocket Summer Tour at the Hawthorne Theatre. Featuring the bands, Rocket Summer, Phantom Planet, The Secret Handshake and The Morning Light. This would be the third time since June that we have gotten to see Phantom Planet perform. Well, after they hit the stage and performed their set we got to go hang out with them 'backstage'~which is the parking lot at Hawthorne. lol. Let me tell you, Kaitlyn was elated! We talked with each band member for quite awhile, got some autographs, took a few pictures and just hung out. These are really just a sweet group of guys that were very attentive to their fans.
We opted not to attend the 'after-party' at the Juniper Lounge because after all, it was a school night. ;) So, thanks to Phantom Planet and Luis Dubuc (The Secret Handshake) for making the night way cooler than just seeing a show and buying a t-shirt. Although I'm still working off the sugar rush from eating those VooDoo Doughnuts......uh. Here are a few pics:
Kaitlyn, Luis Dubuc and Amber (Kate's friend)

Alex Greenwald (Phantom Planet) and Kaitlyn