Depression Sucks! I was diagnosed with major depression after the birth of my oldest son. Well, I was originally told it was post partumn depressin and I blew it off thinking that if I just went back to work then everything would be okay. 4 months later my world was upside down and I was reduced to a shell of my former self. I was terrified to go out into public, having major panic attacks and feeling like the world was closing in on me. I quit my job and went into hiding. I felt that if I could not care for my baby's every need, then I was failing as a mother. So, I refused to let even his father take care of him. My life became robotic. Every morning needed to be the same as the morning before. Get up, make the bed, make coffee, do laundry, change, feed and dress Stephen, clean the house, etc, etc. My house was spotless, everything in it's place and all of my functions were done in a very timely manner. If I fell behind, I would panic, if I forgot something or couldn't manage then I failed. I cried constantly. Never letting my family see, I would break down every day in the shower~My meltdown place. I was miserable and told no one. Every day I would look for reason not to just go for a drive and never come back. I felt like my family could do better without me, I was just in the way because after all, I wasn't doing anything right. Pills. That's what give you. Lots of pills. Can I just tell you how much I hate taking pills. Therapy 3 times a week. Get down to the root of the problem. That's what they tell you. What if there is no root to the problem. what if I am just messed up? Really. Look at my history. I have always said that when I die the doctors will decide to use me for science not trying to decide how exactly I died but what exactly kept me alive. My kidneys are messed up, I apparently have some sort of blood disorder, among a list of other things that I'd rather not dive into at this moment. Of course, now we are adding depression to the list. Another lovely, 'take the pills for the rest of your life" diagnosis. Yay me. Fast forward to today. Life is different. I have my good days and my bad. Mostly good but when they are bad, they are really bad. I tend to keep quiet and try my hardest not to impact my kids with my many moods. It's hard. I have to think about my family. As much as I hurt, I can't be the reason that other people hurt. If I were to end it all,what would my kids do? I know Jeff could be there for them but is it fair o make him do it alone? How would my parents feel? Would my Sister hate the thought of me? So, I blog. There are many blogs, you'll never see. I tend to write them out as a release and then quickly delete them fearing that someone will see them and then think less of me. They are dark and show a side of me that I wish for no one to see or I wish not to see myself. Depression sucks. It is a disease. I can't turn it on and off, no matter how positive I am. Pills just cover it up. I hate to take them.

My little girl turned 13 today. Wow~where did that time go???? We went from trips to the park to trips to the mall and from Barbie dolls to digital cameras in what feel like months instead of years. Still, some things never change......she still doesn't like when people sing Happy Birthday to her, still wants to be in the pool as soon as May rolls around, whether its hot or not, still takes the bread off of a corn dog before she eats it and whether or not she'll admit it, she is still a Daddy's girl. My little girl is growing up. Soon we will be shopping for prom dresses and signing her up for drivers education. (sigh) And every day I can't believe how she's grown........almost taller than me, is incredibly beautiful (but fails to see it) has a sense of humor that most people should be jealous of and is thoughtful of others but is not afraid to defend herself when needed. (she can hit like a heavyweight!) So, Kaitlyn, when you read this, know that no matter what you do in life, no matter how bad you think things are, and no matter how old you get, you will always be my little girl, my miracle in life and my greatest achievement. You are a blessing that I certainly never thought I deserved but am so incredibly grateful to have. And I cannot imagine one day of my life without you in it. The past 13 years have been the greatest years written in my book of life and it's all because you're here. I love you, my little Katiebug!!!