Depression Sucks! I was diagnosed with major depression after the birth of my oldest son. Well, I was originally told it was post partumn depressin and I blew it off thinking that if I just went back to work then everything would be okay. 4 months later my world was upside down and I was reduced to a shell of my former self. I was terrified to go out into public, having major panic attacks and feeling like the world was closing in on me. I quit my job and went into hiding. I felt that if I could not care for my baby's every need, then I was failing as a mother. So, I refused to let even his father take care of him. My life became robotic. Every morning needed to be the same as the morning before. Get up, make the bed, make coffee, do laundry, change, feed and dress Stephen, clean the house, etc, etc. My house was spotless, everything in it's place and all of my functions were done in a very timely manner. If I fell behind, I would panic, if I forgot something or couldn't manage then I failed. I cried constantly. Never letting my family see, I would break down every day in the shower~My meltdown place. I was miserable and told no one. Every day I would look for reason not to just go for a drive and never come back. I felt like my family could do better without me, I was just in the way because after all, I wasn't doing anything right. Pills. That's what give you. Lots of pills. Can I just tell you how much I hate taking pills. Therapy 3 times a week. Get down to the root of the problem. That's what they tell you. What if there is no root to the problem. what if I am just messed up? Really. Look at my history. I have always said that when I die the doctors will decide to use me for science not trying to decide how exactly I died but what exactly kept me alive. My kidneys are messed up, I apparently have some sort of blood disorder, among a list of other things that I'd rather not dive into at this moment. Of course, now we are adding depression to the list. Another lovely, 'take the pills for the rest of your life" diagnosis. Yay me. Fast forward to today. Life is different. I have my good days and my bad. Mostly good but when they are bad, they are really bad. I tend to keep quiet and try my hardest not to impact my kids with my many moods. It's hard. I have to think about my family. As much as I hurt, I can't be the reason that other people hurt. If I were to end it all,what would my kids do? I know Jeff could be there for them but is it fair o make him do it alone? How would my parents feel? Would my Sister hate the thought of me? So, I blog. There are many blogs, you'll never see. I tend to write them out as a release and then quickly delete them fearing that someone will see them and then think less of me. They are dark and show a side of me that I wish for no one to see or I wish not to see myself. Depression sucks. It is a disease. I can't turn it on and off, no matter how positive I am. Pills just cover it up. I hate to take them.